Satire: The Shitty, Short Shelf Life of the Confederacy

Five Things That Lasted Longer than the Official Confederacy

By Rebel Tipton

What I'll never get is why we cling to a legacy of men whose war was one of the most pathetic power plays in human history. But whatever, there's plenty of things I'll never understand about men or people in general who still think worshiping official losers is cool. 

While the legacy of Confederate culture is still alive and embedded into our culture (along with all of the other things allowing systemic racism to continue), the official Confederate States of America only lasted five years. So tune in and discover five things on this shitty planet that lasted longer than these glorified participation trophies...which is worth mentioning that we never ever ​wanted.  

1. Fruit Stripe Gum

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

This 90's staple is often mocked for being the least-lasting gum money can buy, but as compared to the Confederacy, it has the lasting power of an unwanted Christmas fruitcake. Maybe not literally, but the gum still brings good memories and good jokes to the table. So thank you, Fruit Stripe Gum, for at least giving us joy long after your taste is gone. 

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2. *NSYNC

Image from Flckr user jonobcaon.

The band first formed in 1995 and went on "hiatus" (RIP) in 2002. If you count their official breakup in 2007, then they were together for 12 years. So why isn't there a Justin Timberlake High School? We were ROBBED. 
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3. My Ex-Boyfriend

Lol, just kidding. You suck, Jake. ​​

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​4. My Childhood Best Friend's Tetra 

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

That little fucker wouldn't die. When all of the other fish in the tank died, Fin-eas (pronounced Phineas...get it? GET IT???) just wouldn't. But I think we all would rather admire a giant tetra fish statue in the middle of an intersection, especially when he lived longer than a fake-ass traitor country. 

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​5. My Acne

Excuse me, why do we still get acne even after the awkward teenage phase? I was supposed to have flawless skin the moment I turned 20. So why do I still have the same triangle-formation acne on my chin like I'm some joke version of Damian from The Omen? Even so, you have to give those little pus mountains credit for lasting longer than Stonewall Jackson after his OWN SOLDIERS accidentally shot him.