Satire: 7 Ways To Destroy a Trumpy Bear

Don't Just Grin and "Bear" It For Trumpy Bear

By Ghia Vitale

​Trumpy Bear is the most unfortunate stuffed animal I’ve ever encountered. Here are seven ways to successfully destroy Trumpy Bear in case the unthinkable happens to you. That is, Trumpy Bear comes into your real, off-screen life.

Trumpy Bear has been haunting me via commercial for quite some time now. As an adult who loves stuffed animals, I appreciated how the Trumpy Bear commercial normalized the idea of adults having stuffed animals. However, I still cringe every time I see this godforsaken bear. Trumpy Bear’s giant feet and stringy blond hair only exaggerate its cold, dead eyes that look like they were cut out of a magazine and glued on. If you don’t destroy Trumpy Bear, its gaze will seep into your soul and make your spirit septic. The fact that I don’t like Donald Trump only makes my aversion to Trumpy Bear worse.

In a realm of infinite possibility, there’s always a possibility someone might actually give this vile stuffed animal to me. Let’s be clear: If I ever got a Trumpy Bear as a gift, I would destroy it. Here are seven things you should do, too, if anyone makes the mistake of buying you a Trumpy Bear:

1. Throw Trumpy Bear In a Fire

Burning is the old-fashioned method of dealing with things you hate. Burning a Trumpy Bear also a great way to express your anger at the current administration or the state of America in general. Dispose of the ashes somewhere off of your property so you don’t attract more negativity.

2. ​Leave Trumpy Bear In The Rain

I learned about the destructive power of rain when I left my actual favorite teddy bear in the rain. When I found my teddy bear in the morning, its light-up stomach was no longer functional. Leaving anything out in the rain makes it more likely to grow mold and attract bacteria. Think of leaving Trumpy Bear out in the elements as an act of self-care.

3. Behead Trumpy Bear

Off with his head! Rip Trumpy Bear’s head off. That way, Trumpy Bear’s dead gaze can’t drill holes in your soul. 

4. Blow Up Trumpy Bear​

If you want to watch Trumpy Bear go out with a bang, attach Trumpy Bear to some explosives to see what happens—for "science"! Before you know it, there will be pieces of cloth and stuffing flying in all directions. This method is effective for those who hold Trumpy Bear and find that it doesn’t spark joy.

5. Throw Trumpy Bear Into a Cauldron

Looking to cast a curse? Trumpy Bear might be the perfect effigy for someone you hate. (This includes the person who gave you a Trumpy Bear in the first place.) You can drown Trumpy Bear in a boiling cauldron and watch it disintegrate. A cauldron fire also works because it will keep Trumpy Bear nice and warm until the wretched teddy bear has been incinerated out of existence. Once again: Get those ashes off of your property to make sure you don't attract more negative Trumpy Bear energy into your life.

6. Death By Spray Paint

Turn Trumpy Bear into one of those Doodle Bears they sold in the 90’s. (Y’know, the bears you could draw on.) Give Trumpy Bear a full-blown makeover with spray paint. Make sure you “dye” its hair and spray paint its eyes shut. Draw symbols or sigils on Trumpy Bear as an act of defiance. 

7. Throw Up On Trumpy Bear

If you haven’t already, vomit on Trumpy Bear. If your bile is acidic enough, it will melt Trumpy Bear. Plus, it gives you more incentive to throw Trumpy Bear in the trash.

By the way, if you use this article as an excuse to harm my precious stuffed animals, I will cut you. Trumpy Bear is the only stuffed animal that deserves any of these violent fates.
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