Satire: 5 Signs You're Not Wearing Enough Glitter

There's No Such Thing As Too Much Glitter

By Paisley Hibou

You're sparkly on the inside, so you want to advertise your inner sparkle with some outer sparkle. Glitter is here for you. Glitter hair, glitter eyes, glitter cheeks, glitter lips, glitter nails, glitter everything! So how do you know if you're wearing enough? You're probably not, but just to be sure, here are 7 signs you need to pile on more glitter:
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1. You can still see your natural hair color. Leave people guessing whether you're a blonde, redhead, or brunette. Shellac your hair in glitter hairspray to give yourself the glitter helmet you deserve. It's like a crown!

2. You can see your eyelids: Your eyelids should be completely caked in glitter. If they're not, you need more glitter. Ideally, you'll even go past your eyelids and glitterfy all the way up to your brow bone. The eyes are the windows to the soul, so make your soul glittery.

3. Your cheeks still don't have sculpted cheekbones. Glitter highlights, accents, and magnifies. Once you slather glitter on your cheeks, you should have Johnny Depp level cheekbones. Not the case? You know what to do: Add more glitter!

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4. You can kiss someone without leaving glitter on them. When you lock lips with another human, you should pass on the herpes of the cosmetic world. Give them the gift of glitter so their lips, too, can shine. Really, more glitter is what they need, anyway.
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5. Your nails aren't blinding others. Your nails should shine like diamonds, whether you're walking down the sidewalk or strutting through the office. Leave passersby wishing they had worn sunglasses, even on a cloudy day. ​