Dear Margot: I Can't Stop Farting on the Train

Advice for Chronic Farting on the Metro

By Margot Riddle

Editor's Note: You may remember Margot from our archives as the occasional, silly advice columnist. Well, she's back, baby! If you want to submit your own dumb question for her to answer, go to her blog and fill out the "Dear Margot" contact form for a chance to be featured on the site. Don't be shy; Margot may be snarky, but she's filled with love...and chocolate. Read on for a taste at what you can expect regularly from Margot. 

Dear Margot,

I can't stop farting on the subway and it's very embarrassing. All I want to do is ride on the Metro without making everyone's eyes water and the conductor threaten to evacuate the train. This all started when Todd from Finance started offering me his last Beef and Cheese Taquito from 7-Eleven and I'm so bad at saying no. I feel like rejecting the Taquito, even if my stomach clearly does, is rude of me to do. I've tried Beano and other anti-gas medication, but nothing works. At some point, someone will figure out it isn't someone's farty service dog and then I'll be an outcast on the only line that takes me directly to and from work. Help!

​- Blue on the Blue Line
​

Dear Blue,
​
You have several options. While most online advice columnists may scream, "STOP TAKING THE TAQUITO FROM TODD, FLATULENT ONE!", I think it is a much more complicated issue. At first glance, it seems like you tolerate Todd. Some may even say you long for his Taquito (wink). If that's the case, here's what you need to do:

1) Purchase a butt plug from an adult store. This will not only fix your fart problem, but will get you ready for date night. It will also prevent additional farting for when you two get more adventurous in your relationship. If you date gets kind of creepy or it isn't what you expected, then perhaps you should just let one rip and let nature drive away the undesired mate. 

2) When things eventually get more serious, start suggesting to Todd that perhaps you two should start cooking together as a cutesy dating ritual that will bring you closer together. Include high quality and fresh ingredients that are not processed, and therefore won't process bubbles in the lower intestine. Alternatively, if things are not working out the way you hoped, let one really nasty one rip to eventually drive your forbidden office romance away. 

3) Once he pops the question and you are looking for your wedding dress, carry a spare Taquito in your purse for those days other Bridezillas are after the same exact Vera Wang dress you want and those grubby hands need to stay away from your perfect mermaid gown. 

If the actual problem has nothing to do with Todd being a love interest, then this should be pretty easy. Tell Todd to grow up and buy some food that can't be found at a frat party for once, because damn it, he is 35 years old and knows better. On that same note, you shouldn't feel intimidated by a man who thinks it's okay to wear flip flops and socks on casual Friday, so politely (or aggressively) decline his advances. 

xoxo,

Margot

Illustrated by SakekeBomb

​Margot Riddle is a 21-year-old honorary fairy punk feminist. She's envious of green, collects far too many succulent plants, and would love to live full-time in an independent bookstore. Margot has previously been published on CLASH Media and hopes to expand her horizons while giving high-tier terrible advice. 

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