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How I Date Myself (Literally) As An Autoromantic
I am autosexual and autoromantic. In other words, I am in a sexual and emotional relationship with myself. This is what it's like to actually date yourself.
I count myself among my lovers. This relationship isn’t monogamous, but it’s an independent connection in its own right, just like the rest of my relationships. Awareness of self-love’s importance is on the rise. After all, self-love matters to people who aren’t autoromantic or autosexual. Understanding autosexuality is not as much of a huge stretch for the imagination. It’s autoromanticism that stumps people. People can hardly fathom how a date with yourself even counts as a date at all. Rather than getting lost in the perceived ambiguity of autoromantic dates, my lived experience has proven to me that autoromantic dating is a rather distinct and unique experience of its own.
Ever since I wrote an article about being autosexual and autoromantic, people have been asking me how I go about dating myself and what a date with myself looks like. That includes auto-curious individuals. When I confess that I’m sexually attracted to myself, people generally understand how I go about satisfying that attraction. Most people don’t get aroused by themselves alone, but they know how we can get turned on by the thought of someone else.
What they really don’t understand is how someone can actually date themselves.
“How to date yourself” landed a list of the most highly-googled questions in 2015 for a good reason. People seriously want to experience relationships with themselves that are just as fulfilling, intimate, and passionate as the ones they have with splashes of romance. While the importance of dating yourself get a lot of hype, very few people know how to do it deliberately. After years of identifying as an autoromantic without knowing it, it’s become clear to me that most people do not have the kind of relationship with themselves that I have. When you’re in love with people who aren’t you, your feelings in that relationship are on the onus of someone else. When you’re in legitimate love with yourself, the infatuation cycle is never-ending.
It took me a while to understand that the relationship I have with myself is not the same one that I have with others. Dating myself comes naturally to me. C With that said, cultural definitions of beauty and sexuality did hold me back from believing that my attraction to myself was valid. So valid, that I can answer this question in 1 fell swoop: You don’t just treat yourself as well as your greatest lover would treat you. You love yourself with the same feelings. I’m just as much my own girlfriend as I am a girlfriend to my lovers. Much like my relationships with others, I consider myself to be in a sexual and romantic relationship with myself. Is it a monogamous relationship? No, but it’s the most exclusive relationship I’ll ever have because I am both the giver and the receiver of this love.
When I have dates with myself, I focus on indulging in my own company and whatever pleasures I choose. I go on dates with myself for the same reason I go on dates with others: to form and improve my connections with others. In this case, I am the person I’m connecting with. Autoromantic dates are usually cheaper because you’re probably paying for 1 person. If I pay any money for my pleasure, I’m only buying for one rather than two distinct people I’ll often pretty myself up for my own enjoyment, but I don’t feel particularly pressured to wear makeup or fishnets. I dress to impress myself more than anyone else.
I don’t necessarily need to “go out” on dates to have them with myself. One of the ways I woke up to my autoromantic self was when I learned how to transform any mundane moment into a sensual experience. Having a 1-person mosh pit in my room while blasting punk rock can be just as much of a date for me as going for a romantic stroll through the cemetery with myself or someone else. In other words, I realized that as long as I was in my own company, I could turn that moment into a date.
You know dating is a complex art when you can even mess up dates with yourself. Even if your date shares a body with you, they’re still don’t always work perfectly. Not guaranteed to go right. Dates with yourself can go awry. You just have way more control over the outcome of your date than you would if you were on a date with another person because, well, you and your date literally share a whole body. This fact alone makes autosexuality a slippery slope to good sex. But dating? Not so much.
Much like going on dates with others, my dates with myself come in endless shades of variety and satisfaction. I’ve had dates with myself go wrong due to internal and external factors. One time, I decided to take myself out to the Sleepy Hollow cemetery. When I wasn’t struggling to find the right buses, I was sobbing and drunkenly wandering the village. Black rivers of mascara trailed down my face like the bars of a phantom prison cell as a broken heart panged in my chest. I was mourning the loss of a valued friendship, but this issue didn’t bob to the surface of my consciousness until I was actually on the bus there. Before that, I was just having a run-of-the-mill party with myself. It was like being with someone who has a mental breakdown during the middle of your date when you least anticipated it. There I was, all dressed up in a willowy black velvet with no real place to go. But I wasn’t alone - It was the lover in me who wiped my tears away before I returned to campus and consoled me with the fact that other people don’t define my worth.
One of the best things about being autoromantic is that you realize that a “honeymoon” isn’t just a phase. Honeymoons are moments that any relationship can enjoy. I call them “honeymoon moments” or “honeymoon phases.”The neurochemical cocktail your brain kicks your first Honeymoon into motion. I haven’t met too many other self-identifying autoromantics, but if I did, I think they know fully well what it’s like to experience a honeymoon phase. Obviously, external markers in your life can launch Honeymoon moments into action like an accomplishment or even unsolicited compliments. Sometimes, they emerge on their own. In pursuit of honeymoon moments, I'm still trying to master the art and science of hacking my heart to my liking. Learning how to trigger honeymoon moments on command would easily be one of the greatest things I could ever accomplish in my life.
I realize that being autoromantic puts infinite potential for enjoyment in my hands that derives from doing what I've always been doing. Because autoromanticism conflicts with most people's ideas of romantic fulfillment. Even worse, some people confuse autoromanticism with conceit or narcissistic qualities. Loving yourself is not the same thing as being full of yourself. Narcissism involves putting other people down and placing yourself on a proverbial pedestal. Being autoromantic doesn't mean you think you're better than someone else, nor does it mean you don't appreciate the beauty of others. Narcissistic and inconsiderate behavior is anti-sexy.
I count my autoromantic relationship among my other valuable connections. Your relationship is one of the most important connections you'll ever have. Keep it as functional as possible.
#Real #GhiaVitale #SelfLove #Autoromanticism #Autosexuality #ASpectrum #DateYourself #LoveAdvice
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