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I Am Autosexual And Autoromantic
I’m cheating on the world with the most forbidden lover.
My affair is obvious yet obscured, something that everyone can see but few know the depth of. My lover is attuned to my wants and needs. I'm in a relationship with someone who follows me around everywhere, yet somehow manages to avoid impeding upon my need for gratuitous solitude. It's the kind of company where we can feel alone together. Despite having an x-ray view of your soul, this individual loves you and always has my best interest at heart. We spend our nights in a mansion located in the Beverly Hills section of the clouds. Although the rest of my lovers live on the outskirts of my dreams, their brief visits are just glimpses shy of a whole picture. They'll never know what it's like to live there full-time like this sweetheart and I do.
Like most others, I was perplexed when I watched the My Strange Obsession about Nathaniel, a man from Arkansas who is in a relationship with his car, Chase.
I had no idea that I would find out that he and I would have anything in common as far as birds, bees, and cars are concerned. But at the end of the day, both of our loves are “auto” in nature. We're both marked "A" in the alphabet soup of queerness and sexuality.
I am autosexual and autoromantic. Modern psychology would call our relationship codependent if we didn’t share a body and an identity. In other words, I am sexually attracted to myself. I harbor a deep crush on myself that is requited in the loveliest ways. I’ve done everything with myself that people do with their non-platonic partners (and more) short of getting married. Although my actions might reflect otherwise, I love myself in ways that most people can only love others. I love to take myself on walks in the rain, indulging my senses, and making love to myself...figuratively and literally.
Autosexuality manifests as a variety of erotic thoughts and sensations that are focus on yours truly. The spectrum consists of "different forms, which are only different degrees of autosexuality:
I don't really understand how objectophiles fall on this spectrum, especially if they feel as though the objects are more like partners than spiritless matter. My love remains in the realm of myself, whereas Chase is Nathaniel's partner. Hey, objects are people, too! Even the Eiffel Tower and the Statue of Liberty have human spouses. But I'm alive, well, and only part-object (depending on how you look it).
You are the only person who will ever be truly yours, after all. Autosexual fantasies vary based on how much they focus upon the dreamer versus other people. Autosexual masturbation is self-involved although it doesn't necessarily exclude others entirely. Some might prefer to bask in pure sensation while others enjoy the visual aid. Such is the joy of mirror sex that's all the rage among autosexuals. I’ve done all of the above and more. I am a lover unto myself. Based on my personal observations, all of the above applies to autoromanticism as well.
I was teased for being fat and goth when I was younger which, of course, damaged my self-esteem. Yet I remember admiring myself undressed in the mirror and knowing that they were wrong. It didn’t kill my desire for love and acceptance, but it didn’t stop me from enjoying myself in the most literal way. It just made me indignant that their perception of me was so grossly misaligned with mine. Being told that my appearance made me sexually undesirable confused me. I internalized it entirely, but beauty and sublimity still clashed within me. The dark side of self-awareness got ahold of me and caused me to question my sanity. Years later, I found out that *gasp* there were quite a few people out there who found bigger women sexy. But still, it took the recognition of others to recognize my own feelings as valid and not some defense mechanism to delude myself into having high self-esteem.
I embody my own aesthetic in order to be someone whom I would love inside and out. And that is myself. Simply being myself helped me recognize that I already possess all of the characteristics that I enjoy in others. The more I cherished my individuality, the more I saw the makings of a person whom I am madly in love with, someone who understands everything I've ever gone through and knows exactly what I want. Knowing and loving thyself was my skeleton key to happiness. It inspired me to better myself, even if that enhancement was something as simple as putting on black lipstick or fishnets. Something about the way that I looked at myself was tinged with something different than the way other girls looked at themselves, though I could never quite put my finger on it.
As I got older, I noticed that I was most attracted to women who resemble me. I remember fast-forwarding Titanic to see Kate Winslet topless and had a huge crush on Tarja Turunen for a while. Out of all celebrities, these women are most commonly cited as my silver screen lookalikes. Learning about masturbation made me realize that I am bisexual. Why else would I look at women that way? I would know; I used myself as inspiration only half as much as I turned to image of other women to satisfy my misunderstood cravings, but my own body often came to mind when I did just that.
Being autosexual has influenced a lot of my personal and spiritual aesthetic. I tend to wear clothes that I find attractive on others. At the end of the day, I wear them for me. During my high heel-moshin’ days, I felt indignant at the assumption that I wore fishnets and heels to please everyone around me instead of wearing them for my own satisfaction. I know I look good, so I appreciate the compliments; I spent lots of time admiring my legs before I went out. Outfits are never a reason to justify harassment, so I never felt guilty when someone else took it upon themselves to be rude to me because of my awesome clothes. What if I told you that you can wear fishnets for purposes other than getting laid? Because I'm living that dream and it's really sweet.
Speaking of self-aggrandizing statements, I could see how autosexuality and autoromanticism appeals to narcissists. Admiring your reflection in the lake doesn’t make drowning look appealing, nor does it detract from the rest of the beauty that life has to offer… unless you’re an actual narcissist. The years of ostracism that I suffered through and the mere fact of having a conscience humble me whenever narcissism might prevail. I give myself grandiose compliments to pump up my ego and have something to laugh about. Because that’s what personal grandiosity is: something to laugh at/about and take with hundreds of salt grains.
If you had a lovely spouse, would you want them to remain divorced from reality? My castle in the sky is nice, but it's a long way down to the ground that ends with a crash landing. I want to use my body for things that don't involve me plummeting downward from thousands of feet up.
True love involves accepting the whole package. There are plenty of things I can’t do, but I love myself and others for what we are. But I’m not small-minded enough to believe that each poem I’ve written for myself is a universal opinion. Loving yourself doesn’t have to be at the expense of others. I treat myself like I treat the rest of my lovers, which means that I’m not free from constructive criticism. As a Relationship Anarchist and a polyamorous person, I strive to love freely and tremendously. I, myself, am not an exception and neither is anyone else whom I love.
I have what poly culture would refer to as a "primary" partner. Personally, I think that categorizing your relationships based on an ordinal ranking system is too forced. My partner is "primary" because my relationship with him is the more intimate than any of my other relationships. I can label a relationship "primary" all I want, but what makes it numero uno are the actual feelings involved. How many people cheat on their "primary" partners? Emotional infidelity counts. My partner understands, accepts, and embraces my auto-orientations.
I feel like nobody would be surprised to find out that I'm in a relationship with myself. I've always preached self-love and countless people have told me that I've helped them discover aspects of themselves that they hadn't been aware of previously. The only disbelief came from a handful of friends who claimed that I "don't seem selfish enough to be in a relationship with [myself]." My self-love is unique in how this love springs from familiarity and exoticism alike, for both fuel my attraction for myself. Since I am around at least 1 of my partners 24/7, I need to take intermittent breaks from the lover within as well as the lovers around me. If I'm successful, then none of us feel neglected.
My autosexual tendencies might cause me to look inward for sexual gratification that only I can provide for myself. I always find what I need unless I need a human besides myself. I enjoy having deep "conversations" with myself, laughing hysterically without anyone else present, and enjoying my own company in every way. But since I'm only one person, it gets redundant after a while. Being alone feels refreshing. Loneliness feels insular and depressing. My heart and sex drive aren't 100% self-reliant; I'm actually the kind of person who feels sad when I don't get out and see my friends frequently enough. It’s not like I have the diverse wealth of information that a whole ‘nother person holds.
One thing’s for sure: loving myself as I would another person has given me a lot of strange insights into the emotional mechanics of humans. People turn to love and romance for validation, so when the onus is on others, disappointment is likely. Whenever someone asks me how they can get over someone, I tell them to go take themselves out on a date, to just revel in their own beauty and treat themselves to Netflix, chocolate, wine, or any other pleasure of choice.
A lot of people have found that self-dating bit to be helpful throughout the years. After all of these years of sticking by it, I realize that most people don’t interpret that advice in the same way that I do when I give it to them. Why? Because most people only find that kind of fulfillment in relationships with other people, but never with themselves.
Upon awakening to my auto-oriented in 2009, I always said that I was lucky because at the end of the night, I always get to go home with myself. I'm also lucky because I've identified another prominent feature in my sensual landscape, one that reflects the value of treating yourself as you'd like to see your friends treated. My autosexual and autoromantic relationship with myself is a relationship like any other except I have the luxury of sharing a body and an identity with one of the loves of my life.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and made yourself blush? Have you ever been happy to be seen with yourself? How many moments of self-love were inspired by you and you alone rather than a source of outward validation, such as an admiring glance or compliment from someone else? If you think about it, getting aroused by seeing and being yourself isn't so strange.I think it’s possible that autosexuality and even autoromanticism are more common than a lot of people think. But beyond confidence, most people never get to experience the autosexual, autoromantic dream in its fullest sense. If this sounds appealing, then you're in luck: people "convert" to autoeroticism and possibly enjoy your own autoromance. You've got everything to win and nothing to lose!
#Real #Autosexuality #Autoromanticism #Polyamory #SelfLove #TheBrightSideOfNarcissism #BeYourOwnBFF
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