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Existential Driver's Test 1. When you arrive at a four-way stop simultaneously with a vehicle to your right, which of you, after coming to a complete stop, should proceed first? a. you b. the vehicle to your right c. neither of you should ever move again, because it is presumptuous to assume a definition of “right” when we are all pulled by gravity toward the earth’s center, the earth itself is in rotation, and its rotating sphere is ellipting about the sun. Moreover, direction, self, interior, exterior, and the animate are, at best, tentative and feeble cognitive and emotional formations. 2. When you drive through a construction zone, you should… a. speed up before something falls on you b. slow down to provide for the safety of your fellow drivers, pedestrians, construction workers, and yourself c. stop suddenly to marvel at the material achievements of mankind d. clench your eyes shut, accelerate rapidly, and wonder at the futility of what our species calls “building” 3. If a traffic signal is not working, you should… a. stop, and proceed when safe b. consider the arbitrariness of traffic semiotics, what with green being such an inherently cold and off-putting color and red firing one up to charge like an enraged bull c. imagine a world in which, instead of green, yellow, and red, traffic lights were aqua, rust, and a vibrant fleshy pink d. wonder at our customary subservience toward automated commands 4. A pedestrian is jaywalking a half block in front of you. You should… a. pull over and exit your vehicle and run over to shake her hand for takin’ it to the man b. roll down your window and shout quotes at her about the categorical imperative c. stop and yield to the pedestrian d. take inspiration, abandon your vehicle, and walk everywhere for the rest of your life as a protest against industrial hegemony 5. Always use your seatbelt unless… a. you consider it a perverse impediment against natural physical laws b. there is none c. you’re bemused by the arbitrary formation of the human form and find designations such as “shoulder” and “lap” perversely reductionist 6. Extra space in front of a large truck is necessary for… a. pedestrians about to be struck to have longer to consider the immensity of their doom b. more room for the vehicle to slow and/or stop c. more time for the driver to awake in the sleeping cab and realize that this time it isn’t a nightmare and that his vehicle really is in motion 7. Roads are particularly slippery when it first starts to rain. In such conditions, you should… a. delight in the very apt notion of “slipperiness” in a universe where, even under the best circumstances, nothing truly connects b. take turns extra-swiftly because all things are destined to return to their origins and the sooner cycles are begun the sooner they will reach their natural exhaustion and renewal c. slow down and avoid quick turns and stops d. celebrate the earth’s fertility, open your sunroof, look to the heavens, and ponder the universe’s mysterious origins 8. Collisions happen more frequently when… a. one’s self merges with not just the spirit but the essence of another b. one vehicle is going faster or slower than the flow of traffic c. purity of essence has been exposed as a sinister falsehood 9. When passing another vehicle, you should return to your lane if… a. you feel centered b. see the other vehicle’s headlights in your rearview mirror c. you feel suddenly aligned with a fate you could not previously envision d. you see your own headlights in your rearview mirror in a momentary but blissful objective appreciation of your circumstances 10. U-turns on residential streets are acceptable if… a. you have a fundamental sense of who you are and where you come from b. when no vehicles are approaching c. when origin and destination are arguably one in the same d. when conventional ideas about “front” and “back” and “forward” and “reverse” seem unacceptably bourgeois 11. You accept to take a chemical test to determine your blood’s alcohol content... a. anywhere at any time when demanded by an officer of the law b. only once your vehicle has stopped c. only if the officer at the scene can persuade you that “input” and “output” are not some form of jargon deriving from sophomoric disjunctive syllogism #Unreal #Prose #ExistentialQuestions #Existentialism #QuestionsToAskYourself #FictionalQuiz #DrivingLife #LifeDrive Visit our shop and subscribe. Sponsor us. Submit and become a contributor. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.
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