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Zero Fucks for You and a Million for Me
By Starling Root
Hey my darling, my life, O cliché O cliché O clichéd captain of my heart,
Hey donkey [ass] that pulls my cart toward the sunset in pursuit of everlasting love--
You are, no words, just butterflies and rainbows in a Britany Spears music video,
and cheap, corny tattoos of Backstreet Boys lyrics:
"I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me"
Pssh. C'mon? What do I look like? A basic bitch?
You thought your scheme would go off without a hitch?
You told Reddit I was a "big girl" ("not meaning offense")
Guess what some blokes dig? Big.
Big breasts. Big butt. Big brain.
Not you, bloke.
I quote your Reddit post (again):
"Eventually I realised that the best thing for me to do
would be to open up the relationship or break up with my girlfriend."
That night you got down on one knee,
I thought you were going to propose.
Or at least eat me out.
And you prosed, all right.
You proposed an open relationship.
My goodness...Dear me...Sob, sob.
Two weeks later? Golly...sure.
I'd play the game and win.
So I set up my FetLife account and ordered up some beefcake.
The number one combo with fries and dick, please.
Look at all the pretty boys' comments on my selfies.
What a crowd! Say hello to my fans, boyfriend sweet!
Now I'm a hit, just like Christina Aguilera. And they all rub me the right way.
But you're just as much of a loser as you were when it was just you and me.
Only I didn't notice then because of, well, butterflies and rainbows.
I would apologize, but it seems that this was meant to be.
Zero fucks for you and—swell!—a million for me.
Dumpy-doo, dumpy-doo, bye-bye to you.
Maybe print your Reddit letter as a keepsake,
a momento to your hypocritical jealousy.
#FetLife #OKCupid #OpenRelationship #Hookups #StrangerSex #Dating #RandomMen #SoMuchSex #JealousAsshole