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Thomas James 3: Getting Lost In Water Colors Of Emotional Turmoil
By Kiki Stamaiou
Nights for Thomas James torture the very core of his being. Tossing and turning, his sheets get twisted around his body like a cocoon. Exhaustion sets in his mind, but it’s more of a grogginess. His mind is restless as is his body. Time has severed Thomas James from himself, which lives deep in his past that eats away at his soul piece by piece. No matter what he did to get sleep, he just couldn’t drift off into the realms of dreams. Fear consumed him in the darkness of his room, for fear of getting beaten up and roughed up by his father who was always on his mind. That’s why he got involved with drugs back during his years of adolescence. It soothed him temporarily by taking him away from his life, and enabling him to fabricate a new existence. However, the existence he created did not serve him well like he thought it would.
As he lay in his bed getting lost in his thoughts, water colors of his emotional turmoil filled his entire being with an all consuming agony. He’s been on anti-depressants for the past fifteen years through the insistence of the courts when he was sentenced back then. Although he has finished serving his time, and is free, he isn’t really free at all, because he is still haunted by a past that clings to him.
Channeling his energies into prayer and in reading the Bible regularly during his years behind bars, he sought out strength in the Lord, which also brought him some form of comfort. His closeness to the Lord made him feel like he was not entirely alone in the world. His family and friends abandoned him all those years ago, after his alcoholism and drug addictions cost him the love of his life back when he was an eighteen year old high school student. His guilt consumes him even now.
The anti-depressants numb the pain, but when he is all alone in the darkness of his tiny apartment, he cries out for the girl that meant the world to him. “Jayna, I’m so sorry for all I did. I don’t deserve to have been released from jail. I should have been locked up for life. Fifteen years is not long enough for me to serve. More time should have been added to my sentence long ago. But the ruling of the court made the final decision. I don’t know why in all of my existence I would’ve ended up with abusive parents who cared nothing for me. Why I let them drive me to drugs and alcohol, I’ll never have the answers I really need. I should have been tougher than that. I should have confided in you and your brother Martin who was my dearest friend. I’m going to report to my probation officer tomorrow, Jayna. I’m going to find out about all I can when it comes to doing right by your memory. I’m going to ask my probation officer how I can make amends to you for what I did. I talked to the priest regularly who came to visit and talk with me when I was locked up in jail. He told me that the best thing I can do to make amends to you is by making every effort to turn my life around and to change it for the better,” he cried, as he wiped away the tears from his eyes with the palms of his hands.
#Unreal #ThomasJames #PartThree #Redemption #CapturedByGuilt
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