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Libra Expectations vs. Reality
By Garrett Riggs
Zodiac says: “Libras are charming.”
My reality: I seem to be at my most charming when I have money or something other people want.
Zodiac says: “Libras are attractive.”
My reality: I look like the love-child of Orville Redenbacher and the Wolfman. But, as Dean Martin sang, “Somewhere there’s a someone for everyone…”
Zodiac says: “Libras can be indecisive.”
My reality: Do not ask me where I want to eat. You pick the place or digestive acids will start eating our stomach lining before I figure out where I want to go. You also better select a place that has four items or less to choose from because I am paralyzed when faced with a multi-page menu. Do yourself a favor. Just show up at my house with a box of fried chicken.
Zodiac says: “Libras are social butterflies.”
My reality: To quote Barfly, “Do you hate them [people]?” “No, but I, uh, seem to feel better when they’re not around.”
Zodiac says: “Libras are fair, able to see all sides of an argument.”
My reality: I can see all sides of an argument, but my children will tell you exactly how “not fair!” I am. “No, we cannot spend the grocery money on video games and comic books! Despite what you claim, you do not need either of those to live.” Or, “No, it is not okay to build a luxury condo for the cats out of the living room furniture. Why not? Because we want to maintain the illusion that civilized people live here. Because the cats could be killed in an avalanche of couch cushions and after their nine lives are all used up, their little ghosts would haunt us. Do you know how hard it is to sell a haunted house? I said you can’t do it. Why not? Because I said so.”
Zodiac says: “Libras appreciate the finer things in life.”
My reality: I have Champagne taste on a Miller High Life budget. Still, I am resourceful. There is a men’s shop in my town called Nic’s Toggery. Since its founding in 1950, Nic’s has clothed legislators, CEOs, and FSU’s football coaches. The shop is one of Esquire’s “Top 100 Men’s Stores”. I can’t afford the parking meter in front of the shop’s downtown location, much less its $1095 “2 Suit Special.” When the rich and powerful discard their shirts and suits, they wind up at local second-hand stores where I scoop them up for a few bucks. I just roll up the monogrammed cuffs and strut my stuff. Just think of me as “Cary Grant: the Thrift Store Version”.
Zodiac says: “Libras are romantic and practically invented the art of flirting” and “Libras are quick-witted.”
My reality: Ha! First, I am about as romantic as graham crackers and milk. Second, I never understand the signals and completely fail at giving appropriate responses to flirtation. Case in point:
The other day I stopped by the grocery store after work. I did this because there was almost no processed food in the fridge and my kids are deathly allergic to vegetables. I went after work because the kids were still under babysitter care and, frankly, that saves me about $50 in "impulse buys" thrown into the cart by my youngest child.
I stopped at the deli counter for lunchmeat (yes, I know all about the preservatives and sodium ... we all gotta die somehow) and the woman behind the counter did the unthinkable: she flirted with me.
"May I have a pound of smoked turkey?" I asked.
The woman behind the counter did that smiling-while-shaking-her-head-"no"-thing.
"Please," I begged.
We went back and forth like that for a minute as the line behind me got longer. I was nervous; I was the only thing between people with rapidly dropping blood sugar and the deli counter.
Finally, she relented and sliced the turkey. As she handed me the package of lunchmeat she said, "Take care, Love." (It should be noted that she did not have a Cockney accent, where the use of “Love” as a Hypocorism would be perfectly acceptable and devoid of any romantic overtones.)
I was completely taken off-guard and had no suave response at the ready, so I just took the cold cuts and said, "Thank you. You have a swell weekend."
Yes, you read that right. I used the word "swell". Without irony.
Zodiac says, “Libras can be detached and unemotional.”
My reality: Well, this one is true. Mr. Spock is my totem animal.
#Real #What'sYourSign? #Zodiac #Libra #Expectations #Reality
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