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I can take or leave Valentine’s Day. It’s nice. It’s definitely a commercial product, as are many things I enjoy. I like google, the Precise V5 Rt ink pen, and dogs, which have been commercialized recently. But I’m not currently single, so I’ve moved to a slightly more positive state of being on Valentine’s Day. What this probably means is I’ll snuggle up to my Chromebook, video chat with my paramour, and then, alone, sit on my mattress, listen to Roy Orbison, avoid the stinging pain of duende until my lady-friend moves to Richmond, Virginia by eating myself sick on chocolate in those little heart shaped boxes to avoid reflecting on the bitter irony of how who you want the most is in the place you want the least to be in and how much the candy on a holiday so built around it sucks total ass.
Funny how things go.
I say no lies to you when I say we all know Valentine’s candy is utter trash, more fit for a pig’s ashtray than your beloved’s mouth. By virtue of being chocolate, it can only be so bad. Some wiseacre will probably compare this to sex, but plenty of people will tell that wiseacre to save the peanut gallery comments for their pilates class. It’s meaningless. Bad chocolate in large quantities can make you a nihilist, and I am strictly a creature of faith. I do however, have an obligation to the world, to veer into the black that accompanies us all and report back to you.
This is why I’m going to eat every piece of candy in the Whitman’s Sampler Valentines Box in one day and include a letter grade.
What you learn rather quickly is Whitman’s is ran by a conglomerate of bastards who think "variety" is the name of a child that was crushed by a dumbwaiter in Edwardian England and that these cretins have the golden dipped Ferrero Rocher sized nuts to include several candies twice. Then again, there must not be much room when you’re buying a coffin housing originality, a totem that represents you didn’t realize it was Valentine's Day until you tore a day off your Ziggy desk calendar.. Seeing as the brothers Whitman (I don’t care enough to learn, so I imagine two Andrew Carnegie resembling guys created the Whitman’s company) know that you, the consumerist pig you are, will eat from their trough as long as it resembles a romantic sentiment, they didn’t include it either. Swine don’t ask for tasting notes.
This is a proletarian treat. Of course, on Valentine’s Day everyone deserves to feel like the most decadent Czar in existence. Good enough won’t cut it for your love.
Also it looks like rodent shit. C
Chocolate Caramel Zig Zag
In lieu of having no idea what these are named, I’ve given these cutesy names. The Chocolate Caramel Zig Zag is candy the way a Werther’s Original is. It’s the point at which the novelty of candy supercedes whether it’s good or not. C-
Marshmallow Fluff Cloud
Say, something really good finally. You can’t eat a ton of these, but these are rather good. It feels fluffy. Like squirting a baster of Kraft Jet-Puffed into your mouth like the filthy animal you are. B+
Peanut Butter Clod
I am a freak for peanut butter. I used to eat Reese Cups on the daily . It’s slightly sweet but has fat and protein, so it sticks to the ribs. I love most peanut butter candies, and if you feed me my grandmother’s peanut butter balls from a paper bag I’ll go into a Proustian revery. This peanut butter is kind of creamy, and might choke you, but still, this is a good peanut butter clod. B
The noise when I bit into this nearly made me retch. It was a wet noise, like tearing a bandaid off a wound. Besides that, it’s one of the better candies. There’s at least more than one texture here. But the noise robs it an entire letter grade. C
Bless your heart. You think a cherry is suspended in liquid or covered in bottom grade milk chocolate. I pity you, because cherries are a fruit that gets lost. We had a cherry tree in our back yard. Cherries are harbingers of spring. Cherry cordials are harbingers of how two things together are not necessarily good, even though, in separation, they are. If we hadn’t invented cherry cordials, Buzzfeed food would have to. Biting a cherry cordial is like biting into a boil. If Donald Trump said these were a garbage candy I’d say, “Well, hey, he’s not ALL bad.” F
Double Chocolate Dark Fudge
This is it. The crème de la crème. The babymaker. The God of Fire and Thunder. Macho Man Randy Savage in candy form. It’s essentially a truffle. Dealing with Whitman’s you can’t ask for too much, but two textures, with one being excellent, the inner fluff fudge part makes this way and away the best part of the box.
Also there are samplers that you can buy that include only truffles. That’s a hint for you. A
Chocolate Caramel, No Zig Zags
Guess what?! It’s the exact same! But, fuck you, you’re on the Whitman brother’s court! You have to dunk the ball from the free throw line, but the ball is made of sand and you have baby legs. They say war is hell. No, hijo. Whitman’s is. Taste wise it’s a C but the utter laziness leaves me infuriated, so it’s a D.
Nougat is trash. If bad mayonnaise had a candy form, it would be nougat. Imagine eating a white bread mayo sandwich. Exactly. F
The Whitman Brothers won a game of poker and somehow got a lifetime supply of Hershey’s bar that they impressed some sort of logo onto and passed it off as a Whitman’s chocolate single. When was the last time anyone craved a Hershey bar? C
Artificial cherry is no cherry I recognize. No country for cherry flavor, unless it’s in soda. But the marshmallow fluff redeems it slightly. C-
Not bad, but lazy. It’s chocolate in a cup form with nuts in it. C
I can tell you more about the plot of the movie Breach than I can about this candy. Unless Chris Cooper is featured in this candy, it will remain the benchmark of anonymous mediocrity. C-
Chocolate Tooth Toffee Fuckers
One time I lost a tooth to a Heath bar. I thought I was going to chip my tooth on this thing or that I was eating gravel. Toffee, while not bad, is unpleasant to eat. I will adjust accordingly. C
The reason double chocolate isn’t a good idea and will always be disappointing is there’s little to no difference. To quote Hannibal Buress, chocolates is the same. C
Fudge Constipation with a Single Nut! Oink Oink, Hog!
Hi-de-ho! Somebody got original and threw a single cashew or such as in the Fudge Constipation. If Fudge Constipation was like that gym teacher you had with no chin, The Single Nut is like that gym teacher when he grew a soul patch. Merry Valentine’s Day, assholes! D
If the Whitman’s Sampler had a GPA after tallying all that up, it would be a 1.87. Thus a D. Of course, you can still become a lawyer with that, you just have to include an extra thousand dollars in a paper bag. Because Whitman’s will always win. Someone will be needing to give just enough no effort. And they will settle for Whitman’s. And so will your grandchildren’s grandchildren. And you will either die before everything you love or watch it die while wondering if you wouldn’t have rather gone first, and what will be given in condolence to your grandchildren’s grandchildren? That’s right, the rectangle Whitman’s sampler.
Life may be fleeting, so treat your love like it isn’t, and don’t buy them a Whitman’s sampler. Get a Russell Stover’s.
#Real #CandyReview #WhitmansChocolate #Valentine'sDay
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