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Breaking The Daisy Chain Of Love
Most of us have dealt with liking someone who gave us mixed signals. One moment, they love you. The next moment, they love you not. But you still love them, and it hurts to see them flip-flop every other time you get together. Well, good news: it’s them, not you. Break The Daisy Chain by dealing with people who blow hot and cold directly.
In dating, the term “blowing hot and cold” refers to when someone is all over you on one date, but hardly acknowledges you the next time you see them. I call it “The Daisy Chain” because they “love you” one moment, only to “love you not” the next as easily as you can pluck petals off of a flower. The actual practice is not as cute as the phrase sounds, but it’s an honest interpretation of my experiences as well as those of others I’ve coached on this subject. But wanna know what blows harder? Unless you break the cycle, you won’t know what to expect from your relationships and that's not something you should ever accept from people who should be bringing joy into your life.
It’s happened to the best of us. We’ll meet someone and at first, everything seems fine and dandy. We might even go on some memorable dates that set the mark for others that follow it. But then something happened: the person you were so into was replaced with some distant, disinterested changeling. All of the sudden, the lovin’ stops without any notice and we’re left to wonder what the hell happened to the person who was so into us a week ago. What happened to those grand plans they mentioned about taking you to that fancy restaurant or to see your favorite band? Who is this detached creature who will hardly give you the time of day? Did you come on too strong? Are you hallucinating?
I know how you feel because I've been there too many times. And finally, I've overcome it by learning how to handle and avoid people who do this. Why? Because the chances of any good coming out of this sort of relationship is unlikely. Sticking out with someone whom constantly blows hot and cold only means putting yourself through more of that. One guy did it to me so badly, his friends even called him out on it by asking him why he bothered hanging out with me at all. How I was treated depended on his mood and other circumstantial factors; I soon found out that this was the case with every person who blew hot and cold at me. I want someone who loves me 24/7, not just when it suits them well.
If you were reacting to their interest in a reasonably proportionate and non-overbearing manner, then no, it’s probably not you. Though that is what they’d love for you to think. Chances are, they liked you, changed their mind, and weren't mature enough to let you know in a way that didn't involve disrespecting you. Because yes, that is entirely unnecessary to do in adult relationships.
There’s no point in ruminating about all the things you could’ve done wrong. Don’t bother with Sherlock-ing it up on Facebook, checking their tweets, or making vain attempts to contact them via text if you’re going to blame it on yourself. If you can’t find any disparity between how you felt and how they appeared to have felt, then there probably wasn’t an unequal gap in understanding to begin with. Love acts like a drug; they might’ve gotten too carried away and don’t feel like being upfront about it. Hell, they might not even know that they’re doing it. Or perhaps they are playing cat-and-mouse with your feelings. But either way, honey, you’re being duped. And you’ll be at the mercy of their whim if everything goes according to the plan of the manipulator you’re seeing. If you’re going to waste time, you might as well do it with someone who thinks you’re a deity!
Basically, this person is changing the terms of the relationship to suit their current state without notifying you. No wonder the change in tone caught you off guard! Blowing hot and cold is a way of keeping your expectations in check so that you won’t expect too much from them. It’s a passive-aggressive strategy that comes from being fearful about being honest with oneself and others about feelings or expectations, notably ones that they've set for themselves. The ironic thing is that it’s usually their fault when your expectations get so high because you simply believed everything they said!
Instead of being The Daisy Chain's pawn, break the cycle. You know how you feel. It’s not your responsibility to be emotionally intelligent for them. But it is your responsibility to enforce your boundaries because if you don’t, then no one will. Always be upfront about your feelings. When you “allow” someone to treat you great one moment and negligently the next, you’re communicating to them that they can treat you however they like and get away with it.
Some people say that confronting these people is futile. In my opinion, not confronting those who blow hot and cold only results in sleepless nights. When I finally realized the pattern I was playing out and broke the chain, I felt free and I want you to feel the same way. Will it change the fact that they don’t love you enough to have consistent feelings for you? No, but you’ll rest easier knowing that you didn’t let them get away with disrespecting you in such a passive-aggressive way.
1.) Have your facts straight.
It can be incredibly crazy-making to date someone who blows hot and cold. To be on the safe side, start keeping tabs on any contradictions between their actions, words, and what your relationship is supposed to be A. K. A. your expectations in terms of how you like to be treated. Even just comparing the incident to a normal, stress-free incarnation of the same experience will do. Just make sure you have the disparity between what your ideal yet reality-based situation is like in comparison to what they're doing.
Note the specific changes you see in your person of interest's behavior. The minute you suspect that the individual is gaslighting you into believing their detached, dismissive demeanor was there all along, call them out on it. Because manipulation is a tricky game, have your facts straight and be prepared to have them challenged. Don’t feel like a loser if you decide to start journaling your observances in terms of behavioral changes, lies, gaslighting instances, etc. because hey, what’s a human gotta do to protect their sanity? You’re better off wasting a little time writing than wasting a lot of time by staying in a relationship that doesn’t to deserve to bask in the presence of your sultry self.
2.) Confront them.
If you’re afraid of confrontation, then you should either downgrade the relationship to the lowest level of the individual’s interest or get over it. Standing up for yourself can be scary, but if you don’t, then no one else will. In-person confrontations are way better than the ones conducted through digital mediums like the internet or texting. There's less of an opportunity for them to censor themselves when they're not behind a screen.
Don’t approach the subject as a matter of, “Hey, can I ask you something?”
It should be more like, “We need to talk.”
Or just jump right into the subject. That also works.
Remain calm, but let them know that you mean business. Don’t intimidate them by being unapproachable, but remain adamant when (calmly) stating your observances and how their actions make you feel. It’s called “accountability” and it’s about time they learn the word, too.
Then again, if you want to give them more space and time to process in order to answer, feel free to do it through text because it's a more hands-off way of getting your emotions across. Just make sure it's not too lengthy and gets straight to the point. With that said, many people might take offense to any serious conversation initiated via text, so please try to avoid this method with individuals whom you've known for a while.
At the end of the day, you deserve a relationship that exists beyond another person's momentary whims.
3.) Analyze their reaction.
Upon being confronted with your gripes, a high-quality lover will apologize, offer genuine insight into what they were thinking, and generally do their absolute best not only to explain their behavior, but change it. Sometimes, they’re responding to situational emotions and don’t know what they’re doing. But be warned that a lot of them like to pretend that the reason they’re being distant with you is because they’re “going through something.”
Warning: They might pretend to concede with you in order to gain your acceptance momentarily or indulge in the fringe benefits that come with a casual relationships. Or they might make up any other number of creative excuses and refuse the situation altogether. How they react determines if they get the prize (read: your love). Your attention is valuable and the people you date should know that better than anyone else. Usually, these types shun any kind of confrontation and would rather die than just clue you into why they’re changing the tone of your relationship so suddenly.
If you’re still doing all the work as far as affection goes, let them know that you have far better things to do with your time than waste it on someone who doesn’t treasure it. You’ll probably want to put it a different way, but in my experience, there’s no point in blunting the edges for these people. Just let it be known that you won’t tolerate such an inconsistent relationship and go off to date cuties who love you all the time, not just on a fleeting basis.
Shine on, you sexy diamond, and stay hot! Don’t settle for anything less than fiery passion and flying sparks!
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