Politics: Ted Cruz at the RNC

The Low Man in the Blue Suit

By Christopher Sloce
​@sloceology
QuailBellMagazine.com

​The Republican National Convention had the house band play “Station to Station”: David Bowie song from the period where he was coked out of his gourd, getting arrested with Nazi paraphernalia, and claiming a witch was stealing his semen. I’m telling you this in case you were wondering how the Convention was going. Like much of the  Trump campaign, there’s a curiosity whether this is willful trolling, a gentleman’s game call to let the enlightened know his secret authoritarian agenda, or a sincere attempt to give Trump the largesse and symbols of a dictator. I’m not sure. I just know “Station to Station” is a weird choice, and the symbol of the Thin White Duke’s amoral nationalism fits where we are more than the culture war’s fears of a feminist witch in a “Black Lives Matter” shirt draining a virile conservative male of his fluids and flushing them down a drain pipe. 

Of course, for those still afraid a succubus is attempting to steal their vitality, there is old-style compassionate conservative Ted Cruz, the number of descriptions of which have entered a game of the dozens where we all attempt to describe what he looks like. Yesterday, it hit me that Ted looks like one of Stephen King’s Low Men, a race of pop-culture obsessed business vampires who have rat faces underneath shiny latex human masks.  If we go the route of the vulgate, he looks like fifty pounds of shit in a thirty pound blow-up doll. Most of the campaign narrative around Cruz was focused on how a man whose presence may be best boiled down to the word “lumpy” could possibly unite this country, to the point the obscure German “backpfeifengesicht” was produced to explain the effect Ted Cruz produces. “Backpfeifengesicht” loosely translates as “face badly in need of a punch”. There’s a ton to dislike about Ted Cruz, plenty of which has been catalogued elsewhere, so I will stop there and get to the point.

On Wednesday night of the Convention, Ted Cruz told everyone in the crowd to “vote their conscience”, and was met with sharp boos for doing so, when the rest of the party and speakers were falling in line. 

In most politicians, this might be considered one of those rare moments of humanity. I don’t buy it, and I’m asking this from you: don’t trust this shitbag as far as you can throw him (you’ll know when he lands because there will be a squishy noise, sort of like when you prepare to hock a loogie). 

This is a guy who wanted Muslim neighborhoods in Dearborn, Michigan to be patrolled, hired a campaign manager Jeff Roe, connected with an antisemitic gubernatorial campaign amongst other disgusting Rovian tricks, claimed that Barack Obama was letting teenage boys and girls shower together, went on a suicide campaign to stop Obamacare and hold up the federal government that even other Republicans thought was inappropriate, wanted to carpet bomb the Middle East “to figure out if sand glowed in the dark”, and said “net neutrality is Obamacare for the internet”. If you care that somebody needs to unite the Republicans and by extension 51% of our nation, Cruz is not the guy to do it, because most Republicans hate his guts, let alone Democrats.

If Donald Trump wins, Ted Cruz’s admonitions are useless and a last minute tilt at a windmill designed to preserve relevancy. If Trump loses, the Republican Party will go belly-up and Ted Cruz will run as the guy to bridge Trumpism and classic, old school, Reagan era conservatism in 2020. If the world stops tomorrow, he will still be a guy who was as hateful as Donald Trump without a clue on how to capitalize on it, and we believe at large our greatest national sin not to be racism, classism, or sexism, or dishonesty, or looking like a sausage tube filled with mashed potatoes, but to be incompetence.
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People will ask, what would you have had him do? Get on board after a bitter campaign where Trump claimed his dead was involved with shooting JFK?

No. I just wanted him to stay home, licking a framed picture of Barry Goldwater while a scratchy copy of a Toby Keith album plays and  a Texas night cools.

#Real #Essay #RNC #TedCruz #TrumpCampaign #Politics

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