Personal Essay: Preacher's Son in a Sex Shop

Pervy Pastor 

By Karl Stevenson
QuailBellMagazine.com 

Hello, I am a preacher’s kid. Yes, I am terrible. I don’t know if this is because all my parental abuse scars are Bible quotes, or maybe the fact that I'm black…in the south. Or maybe it was I once attended a high school with the "Confederates" as its mascot.

Anyways, about a couple of years ago my parents got a divorce. Yes, I know, insert teenage rebellion that consisted of parties with PlayStation games, carb-loaded chips, and Mountain Dew as far as the eye can see. 

A few months ago, I got a stepmom, and unlike the slow integration of blending one family into another like anyone with common sense tries to do, I was blind-sided by this event. Kind of like Luke Skywalker was with his parental unit, except my new relative isn’t fictional. Since my father has less friends than Scar from the Lion King, I got details from this relationship even Telia Tequila couldn’t handle.

One Tuesday afternoon, I was interrupted from one of my urgent sweatpants and reality TV meetings to allegedly “hang out” with my dad. My schema of hanging out with this bore of an individual typically consist of a local restaurant for maybe thirty minutes tops, and then participating in our version of the Hunger Games (A.K.A. Wal-Mart during rush hour traffic with customers trying to use their government aid to buy flat screen TVs or high top Michael Jordan’s).  

However, during the car ride, it appeared our destination was Adam and Eve…the sex shop. One of the mouth pieces to  our Lord and savior Jesus Christ wanted his son to witness him looking at various products such as “ Clone a Willy”, “ The All American Whopper”, “ Fifty Shades of Grey and Greedy”, and what every religious family needs: “ My First Anal Explorer Kit.”

My father had his son help him browse various products, but foolishly believed it would be a discrete experience. I yelled various things down the aisle such as “Unless she’s got a thick clit it’s meant for men!” Unfortunately I was escorted out of the store once I proclaimed “Those underwear would be too small even for me. Unless you want your ashcakes to fall over on the sides put that lingerie back!"

To this day, my Dad fails to realize why it is taboo to bring your kid to a store where various silicone animals can go inside your anus. But luckily this pastor has learned I’m not the kid to bring out into public.

#Real #AdamAndEve #Preacher'sSon #WhatEveryReligiousFamilyNeeds #Unorthodox

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