Notes from the Bed: Circular Thoughts

Inner Monologue

By Steven Joseph McCrystal
QuailBellMagazine.com

What on earth did I get out of bed for? It only takes a few minutes before cabin fever takes over. In between the numbness my thoughts cut me to the bone. I have hours to go before I sleep. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. I’m stuck here. As my thoughts crawl across the razors edge some good ideas pop in: a walk, a book, a bath, a shower, but none of these are real options. I just can’t move. I need to tidy up the house. There’s a circle of clutter that surrounds me. I’ve been trying to survive. I need to eat. I need to breathe. I need to sleep. The washing can lie in the machine for another day. Going stale. Just like me.

I try the tele for a minute but that’s causing more damage than my thoughts. Perfect lifestyle adverts pile upon perfect lifestyle ads. Smiles upon smiles. It makes me sick. If I had a hammer in my hand I’d show those small people what life’s really like. I can’t switch off. I can’t stop thinking but there’s nothing there to think about.

Standing up is just one big sigh. I am lead in motion. I move to the stereo for some joy but my favourite song poisons me. It reminds me of something I may never have again. I look out the window and there’s nothing but greyness. I look inside myself but there’s still no colour, no spark, no pulse. I feel like I’m dead. I want to die. I want to be free of this blackness.

I sit back down to stare at the walls. No sound. No pictures. Just silence. I can almost hear my heart breaking one more time. My thoughts swirl around and around. There is no reprieve. There is no sanctuary from my waking mind. There is only pain.

The light is only an illusion. My tunnel taunts me so but I defy gravity one more time. I stand up slowly. Once again: I am lead in motion. I move through to the bedroom but I don’t remove my week old clothes. I simply crawl under the duvet and die. That’s how I survive.

#Real #CabinFever #Bedtime #WakingUp #Depression #Down #Disappointments #BigThoughts #Death

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