Mono/Poly Relationships: 5 Things Monogamous People Should Know Before Dating Poly People

Monogamous? 5 Tips For Dating Polyamorous People

By Ghia Vitale
QuailBellMagazine.com

This image speaks the truth about polyamory. Credit: Pinterest

Our hearts might be equal opportunity employers, but that doesn’t mean it always chooses the right people to fall in love with. Sometimes, we fall in love with someone who’s behaviors and attitudes differ vastly from our own. Such is the case when a polyamorous person and a monogamous person fall in love with each other. Sometimes, 2 people fall in love, only for 1 of them to realize that they are poly years after they’ve started a relationship.

Romance is not lost, but it’s not going where you think it is. With these 4 things in mind, you’ll be able to navigate dating a poly partner with more insight and wisdom than you would from the get-go.

       1.) Understand that it’s about us, not you.
Polyamory is more than a lifestyle; it is a relationship paradigm that we grow into, not out of. If you’re harboring a secret agenda to “snap us out of it” and back into monogamy, then don’t bother trying to date us. Your efforts will almost certainly be seen as one-sided, selfish, and unwelcomed. We are whom we are and we don’t want to change to suit your fancy. The search for The One can blind you from seeing The Many. If they’re like me, then they’ve explored the peaks and valleys of their souls and confirmed that the territory is, in fact, poly. No amount of being “good enough” on anyone’s part can change that longstanding feature about ourselves. We’re the rule, not the exception.

Dating a poly person comfortably requires you to shift your worldly perception of relationships as you know them, reconfigure the terms upon which they’ve operated, and become comfortable with the intersectional nature of relationships that traditional monogamy can ignore. The fact that it’s a highly personal journey only makes matters more complicated. But if you truly feel as though your romance is worth saving, then any work you put in will be rewarded with a more honest version of the person you’re dating. Although the challenges present in a mono-poly relationship, it can be done. It’s just that few people are content with what it requires to work.

      2.) Listen to your heart and act accordingly.
Being in love with a poly person doesn’t mean it’s time to abandon ship. Many people choose to do so upon realizing that they don’t have the emotional flexibility to make this work, so don’t be surprised if you wind up being 1 of them. As quickly as we might be able to “think” ourselves out of problems, we can drown ourselves in feelings just as easily. The emotional or physical nature of pain is irrelevant; by virtue of its uncomfortable existence, it is telling you that something is wrong. That’s not to say that you won’t have to go with the flow of the waves that come your way. But there’s a difference between a wave and a tsunami..As much as you might love someone, an avalanche of "love" alone can’t transform whom somebody is into a person you want them to be. If anything, you can crush them. The power of your love can trigger the tectonics to shake someone’s world, but unless you are that entire world in and of itself, you can only inspire action with your own.

I have been in in a relationship for over 10 years with at least 6 of those being poly. Upon realizing I was poly, I had a talk with my partner. He wasn’t comfortable with it at first, but now, he seems to be dating women left and right! That’s because he took the time to invest in quality. Everyone is in control of their own body and the body’s owner is the only person who gets to make decisions on behalf of its sexual agency. It’s selfish to impose peculiar restrictions on us in terms of whom we can and cannot hook up with. Telling us that we can only sleep with people who have certain genitals or abide by certain gender constructs to cushion your ego is as cruel as it is unusual. It’s one thing if you’re asking us to please not pursue your best friend; it’s another thing if you’re telling us that we can’t hook up with other people of your gender if we’re going to be with you. While the former is expected, the latter is just the imposition of restrictions based on another’s insecurity.

If you can’t become comfortable with the fact that we have no One True Love, then you need to let us know, which brings me to the following.

      3.) Communication is everything.
If you have questions and feel as though our input would help, then ask us, especially if they’re nagging questions. The more they nag, the more you’d benefit from them answered. And even if it it’s an answer that neither of us likes, then at least we can know more about our compatibility that we might otherwise be forced to learn “the hard way.”

Even if you don’t feel comfortable with the idea of being in a non-monogamous relationship with anyone pm a long-term basis, there are still plenty of ways work with what we’ve got. We could trounce off to what lots of people (problematically) call "The Friend Zone" and get to know each other there. Hey, it’s a lot nicer than people say it is. When I use the word "friend" as a relationship anarchist to describe my relationships with people, I don't attach popular platonic and aromantic connotations to it. I can be down with a relationship that doesn’t necessarily “go anywhere” or have any long-term plans. I’m down for milking the oxytocin rush if you are. A little honesty goes a long way, just imagine what a lot of healthy honesty can do! That's why it's important to know what you need out of relationships in order to better predict what will make you happy.

      4.) Don’t date and dash.
There's no "sex" in the word "polyamory." There's nothing wrong with sex, nor is there anything wrong with wanting to enjoy a relationship without any long-term considerations. As a polyamorist, I believe it is acceptable and healthy to foster as many relationships as you like, regardless of whether or not those relationships are romantic. I also don't like people who "use" me to comfort them That’s why thoughtfulness is paramount when you’re a dating a poly person. One of the reasons why many experienced poly people refuse to date newbies or non-poly people is due to bad past experiences. The theme of these experiences involve let-downs, many of which amount to being treated like a disposable sex object. While we’re open to dating you, we’re not open to being poly crash test dummies for people who don't respect our individuality.

If there’s chemistry, please try not to pursue us ardently, only to decide that “polyamory just isn’t [your] thing” and back off out of nowhere once we've established trust. If you’re a non-poly person pursuing a poly person, stop for a moment to contemplate just what it is you're seeking from this relationship. Are you infatuated with this person and chasing a good feeling? There’s nothing wrong if that’s the case. If so, then you need to be honest (preferably to our faces, including your own!) about the chance of a sustainable relationship developing and surviving. Can you be content being in the monogamous half in a non-monogamous relationship? It’s fine to go with the flow and ride the waves as they come. But please don’t drown yourself learning how to swim, especially if there’s already an outstretched hand offering you relief. It's not your fault that you can't change weather.

Simply put: unless you’re actually going to take me out to that cool restaurant and introduce me to your family, then I don’t want to hear about your “plans” to do so. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of your partner having sex with other people, then I don't see too much harm in DADT (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell) for a little while. (Though I'll be honest: I could never do that.) But if this becomes a long-term thing, you might want to reconsider why doing this in the first place and what good can possibly come out of it for you. Feel free to proceed, but do so with caution; DADT will only help you for so long, but it will not change the fact that you're not in a monogamous relationship.

    5.) Enjoy the ride!
If we’ve just met you and you’re already worrying about the break-up, then you’ll ruin the experience of enjoying our relationship’s blossoming. If a relationship “going somewhere” is important to you, know that each relationship takes its own path. Some are romantic and some are not, but poly people are likely to travel the off-beaten paths of romance. Your relationship will be one of those off-beaten paths, and it will not be the only one your partner travels.

The moment you come to peace with that reality, polyamory will seem a lot less intimidating.

#Real #GhiaVitale #MonoPoly #TheMoreYouKnow #PolyLifestyle #FreeLove #TheOne #TheMany
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