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Why You're Better Off Being A Picky Date
Out of all the things I’ve ever done in my love life, being picky about my dates is one of my least regrettable actions. If anything, the moments I spent suppressing my pickiness were nothing but disservice committed by myself, against myself. I remember I shocked the feminist group at my college when I told them I would never consider dating anyone who didn’t identify as a feminist. I never thought twice about this rejection reason; it just happened because, well, what’s the point of me dating someone who hates feminism? Feminism is about gender equality, so why would I want to date someone who didn’t see all genders as equal? Even the insistence upon binary gender as “natural” and other genders as “Tumblr crap” is enough for me to lose my taste for someone. Life is too short to waste with ignorant people, though I understand people can and do change over time. On the other hand, I have friends who are totally willing to invest the emotional labor and consequential pain that came from attempting to educate their partners about major facets of their lives.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
That phrase sums up a large portion of my love life.
The person I’ve been with the longest has set the bar so high, others seldom come close to topping my expectations. And that’s okay. Sure, I might be more liberal about hookups, but as for the actual dating part, my expectations skyrocket to the point where it’s obvious I’m looking for very specific blueprints of partners with specific traits. In the end, I know what I like and whom I love, though it might take some time for me to come to those conclusions.
Apparently, researchers at Wellesy College and the University of Kansas unearthed findings that suggest “people in relationships do not change each other over time.” Their "groundbreaking" evidence “[reveals] that future friends or partners are already similar at the outset of their social connection, a major new finding, say the authors.” That means if you’re not compatible with someone from the outset of your relationship, your connection is likely to be fleeting rather than lasting. But honestly, many of us figured this out a long time ago. The minute I sense that someone's behavior isn’t compatible with mine or vice versa, I begin to reconsider having that relationship in a romantic context. I don't fret over how I can get them to change their ways; I take the path of least resistance by letting them be themselves and letting myself be true to myself. When I’m listening to my inner-pickiness, I’m listening to my brain cluing me onto something my heart has yet to realize.
Being picky becomes especially problematic in monogamy-focused dating. In monogamous relationships, you’re pressured to pick 1 person to remain exclusive with them until your love dissolves. On the other hand, us polyamorous folk tend to find different kinds of love with different people in possession of different attributes. But trust me: That has never stopped me from being picky. I’ll be friends with nearly anyone, but the minute I’m feeling someone out for a more romantic relationship, I start analyzing their habits, behaviors, beliefs, and the patterns by which they operate to see how well they'll translate into our current/future relationship's success. Since I live with myself 24/7, I can tell which people I mesh well with and which ones I shouldn’t date. Whenever I let my standards slide, it was because I was too intoxicated by infatuation (or desperation) to see the forest for the trees. Many times, I didn’t see that the wood was rotting until it was already inside of me. But once I started embracing my natural pickiness, no one else ever decayed inside of me ever again.
Being picky continues to serve me well. I’m not as picky about looks as most people, so I’ve seldom “picked” at people’s appearances for rejection reasons. My biggest deal-breakers are certain behaviors and attitudes that I seriously can’t stand. Being exposed to them feels like someone is pinching a nerve in my soul. For instance, I can’t have a partner with whom I am always arguing. Apparently, there are lots of couples who feel comfortable arguing all the time. While I am totally down to debate, I can’t deal with arguments as an ongoing feature of my relationships. Yes, I get that shit happens and conflict is inevitable in life. But truthfully, I don’t feel like dating someone is worth it if we’re always clashing about racism, homophobia, sexism, bigotry, or any weirdness regarding my sexual orientation and my poly/relationship anarchist lifestyle. It’s like being regularly subjected to the shrieking sounds of nails on chalkboards: I can do without them. Everyday life is already stressful and short enough; I don’t need conflict with my intimate partners to be a regular thing.
I don't put up with it; why do you? Often, being "picky" is actually about defining your boundaries and the qualities you deem necessary in your lovers.
Other people can totally stand the things I’m not into if love is on the line. I’ve had friends who were totally willing to date someone who was weird about central facets of their racial and sexual identities. They were willing to not only educate them, but stay with them after their attempts at enlightenment failed. But personally, I’m just not into it. I don’t want to date someone who watches Fox News religiously, thinks that gay marriage isn’t a civil right, views white people as oppressed, feminism as obsolete, etc. I feel like the people I’m most compatible with would already know better than to do any of these things.
The long bouts of "love droughts" I've suffered don't compare to the excruciating moments I've wasted in unsavory company. I have an abundance mentality towards dating, an attitude that will help you in dating. It helps us look at the bigger picture: we inhabit a planet with billions of other people. Surely, some of them can fulfill what you need and desire in relationships, just I am confident in my ability to fulfill theirs. I am aware of what I have to contribute to the world and attuned to my skin-deep purpose.
How about you?
#Real #GhiaVitale #Relationships #BeingPicky #WaitToDate #ImAlright #Polyamory #SingleMingle #TheRightOnes
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