Personal Essay: How I Ended a Toxic Relationship

How I Ended a Toxic Relationship

By Benny Emerling
QuailBellMagazine.com

It is estimated that we interact with 80,000 people in a lifetime. Of those 80,000 people we interact with, one may seem like they are the one. The one you will spend the rest of your life with, the one who is your soul mate and your perfect match. But what happens when that one person turns into someone completely different than you thought and you are stuck in a dysfunctional sick relationship? Some couples stay together and despite failure keep trying and some break ties completely. However, when it is very toxic and ones life is in jeopardy how do you do something about it?

I made a life decision six years. By the time I was 19 I had already been in seven drug rehabs and even hospitalized for my excessive drug and alcohol use. I was sick of the drug addict lifestyle and everything that came along with it. The withdrawals,lying, stealing and cheating was too much to carry out with and I finally chose the sobriety route.

My first year of sobriety was hell, through damaging my brain severely and not taking care of my body I was constantly in grave emotional and physical pain. However, I found myself getting better day by day. I rebuilt relationships with my family and close friends. I started going to support groups where I met a group of guys who I am still close with today. After my first year of sobriety, my quality of life increased tenfold.

In sobriety I have found out the true meaning of love and happiness. Most importantly I learned how to love myself again. The one thing I still haven't figured out yet is relationships with women. My first girlfriend in sobriety ended up cheating on me. I cheated on my second girlfriend in sobriety and most recently I ended my current relationship because of her excessive drinking.

Let me backtrack on how we first met. If you are born a Jew, you are freely given a 10 day trip to Israel . The trip is known as birth right and Jewish people from your local area go on the trip and have an amazing opportunity to travel the country. I met my no ex-girlfriend at the airport and we slowly fell in love. We had an amazing 10 days together and even extended our trip to be together.

Shortly after the trip we got closer and closer but farther and farther at the same time. She was currently employed back home and I wanted to go back to Israel for six months to pursue an internship. I moved to Tel Aviv, Israel for six months and despite temptation stayed faithful to her throughout. She even came to visit me for 10 days. After the 10 day trip I thought I was going to marry this girl.

I returned home to her and a dysfunctional relationship at hand. There was very little trust between us but we still tried. We continued to do this for a few months. I started noticing a change in her when she accepted a new job. She started job at a hip new marketing place that encouraged a playful work environment that surrounded its after work activities around drinking.

As I stated earlier, I quit drinking six years ago and do a whole lot of work to maintain sobriety. I got to 12 step meetings at least a couple hours a week and am always working on bettering myself. The number one most important thing in my life is my sobriety and I am currently with someone who does not respect that at all. If I am not sober, than there is no me. I know for a fact that if I were to start drinking or using drugs again my life would shortly be over.

We talked about it here and there that she drinks too much and there were even a couple times where she said she said she would abstain from drinking. It would never last and she began lying about her alcohol abuse. My friends and family started noticing that I was no longer happy. I didn't have that spark in my eye that I once did with her. I was always trying to rescue her and our relationship because it was comfortable. I truly never wanted to give up. We both tried changing to make the relationship work but it was always three steps forward and five step backwards.

One night she got so drunk that she ended up in the hospital. Sitting next to her in the ER I realized to myself that this is the life I left. That I gave up drinking and drugging for this exact reason. I wasn't able to maintain relationships with anyone and I would end up in hospitals and rehabs constantly. It was that night I had enough. I could no longer live with her anymore.

This girl who I thought I loved is putting my life in danger. As I stated earlier the number one thing in life that care most about is my sobriety. I have worked so hard to live a life of serenity and peace and when she is around my whole world gets flipped upside down. The feeling of being alone in relationship is one of the darkest feelings I have ever encountered and that was normal while dating her. I finally made the decision to breakup with her and it was one of the hardest moments of my life.

Tears ran down both of our faces and she even refused to believe what was happening. She would not leave my house and even begged on her knees for me back. I knew I had to stick to my guns and make this change. I needed my life back, I need serenity back and I needed time apart from her. It was a long painful process of getting her out of my house. She would not let go of me and could not stop crying. But I knew I couldn't turn back.

I had to block her from every social media app that ever existed. I even shut off my phone for that whole day. Of course I am sad and devastated over the breakup but I now I know I made the right decision. No matter what or who it is, if it is getting in the way of my sobriety it has to go. She was an awesome girlfriend for awhile but why risk putting my life in danger for her? Nothing is worth putting your own life in danger.

If you are in a destructive relationship and it is not getting better, do not wait for a dramatic moment to end it. There is something known as detaching with love as my family did to me when I was using drugs and I did to my ex-girlfriend. It may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. But always remember when one door closes another one opens. Nothing changes if no thing changes. If you want a better way of life and someone is getting in the way of that, it is time to leave them in the past and start a new of life.  
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