From Bathshebas: Double Standards, A Satire

Consent Laws Don't Take Into Account That I'm a Super Nice Guy

By The Nice Guy from Bathshebas
QuailBellMagazine.com

Editor's Note: This satire is republished with permission from Bathshebas.net. A nationwide call to action for university reform in student social affairs has resulted from the recent news of rape occurring on campuses. 

I hate rape, but come on. Do we really need this stupid new California bill on campus policies that says we have to actually get “affirmative consent” to have sex? First I can’t tell you to smile and insist on carrying your grocery bags to your car, like the gentleman that I am, without being called “sexist.” Then I’m “harassing you” if I whistle and give your butt a simple squeeze as you walk past. (It’s a compliment! Geez! Get over it already!) Then I’m a “stalker” if I just sit outside your house for a couple hours a day. (It’s a free country!) Now, I’m a “rapist” if I don’t get this bogus “affirmative consent”? What does that even mean!?

Talk about ruining the romance. It used to be that a gentleman could really court a lady. I should be able to hold the door, doff my hat, and give a lady what we all know she really wants. Love is a game, and you have to be able to know what a lady really means when she’s flirtatiously pretending to ignore you as you follow her around the store, when she playfully tells you to leave her alone, when she’s putting on this sexy show of struggling as you hold her down and, sure, she might not say anything with her mouth because of the gag, but her eyes are saying “yes! God yes!” (You know the bitch loves it.)

But now we’re supposed to get this “affirmative, conscious, and voluntary” consent! Like the stupid details in this bill: it’s not “affirmative consent” if she’s drunk or drugged or unconscious. What a buzz kill. Another: she’s supposed to be able to take it back if she changes her mind partway through! That’s just too much. Of course I would never rape anyone, but once this train starts chugging, you’ve got a one-way ticket to Fuckington, baby! And I’m still supposed to get consent even if she’s my girlfriend? Really? I mean come on. If I ever got a girlfriend, what would that even mean besides that I could have sex with her whenever I want?

Sure, I’m all for rape prevention and women’s rights and all that, but I’m going to have to go with the National Coalition of Men’s Gordon Finley here, and point out that this bill is really about taking away my rights as a man. He says it’s “nice for the accusers” but takes away my “due process.” (Not sure exactly how, but it sounds bad.)

So come on, ladies. Quit making such a big deal about this rape stuff. And don’t be so scared of men! We nice guys are the ones who really suffer from this, with you ice queens being so standoffish! Sheesh! Maybe not every guy is as much of a gentleman as I am, but that’s not my fault. So stop ignoring my messages on OKCupid. You don’t know what’s good for you. Stuck-up bitches. You’d only be getting what you deserved if you did get raped.

#Real #Essay #Rant #Rape #HumanRights #DoubleStandards #Feminism #WomensRights
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