The 10 Most Loathsome People of 2015
Crimes: Strengthening their candidate’s parallels to Ron Paul by being just as insufferable as his fans; lecturing black people on how Sanders already paid his dues in the ‘60s even as he himself makes an effort to listen to them; an ability to bring up topics that have nothing to do with the conversation matched only by people who do juice cleanses. Will leave comments on this article longer than the article.
Sentence: President Rubio signs bill banning both abortion and hashtags.
9. Caitlyn Jenner
Crimes: After nearly a year to think about it, it’s hard to determine the worst thing about Ms. Jenner. Is it her cheerful endorsement of a political party that only acknowledges her community’s existence when it’s fearmongering about imaginary trans child predators? Is it her wholehearted embrace of respectability politics and apparent inability to understand that there exist trans women less wealthy than she? Or is it that it’s all but impossible to castigate her for any of those things without appearing to make common cause with people who hate her simply because she’s trans? Answer: D, she totally vehicular manslaughtered a dude.
Sentence: Political party that hates her doesn’t come through on tax cuts for the 1 percent.
8. Hillary Clinton
Crimes: Spending the early stages of an election that could have been hers to win re-introducing every stereotype about her opportunism or mendacity; playing into the hands of a legion of teabagger Cotton Mathers through her grandparent’s understanding of how technology works; running on shallow, “YASSS QUEEN” Internet feminism while supporting policies that put actual black women in jail for decades. And much like Jenner, bringing this up means threading the needle to avoid seeming allyship with people who hate her for her gender, her completely imaginary liberalism or whatever the fuck they think Benghazi is.
Sentence: Posthumous Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.
7. Martin Shkreli
Crimes: Everyone knows about this weasel-faced foreskin of a man’s 5000-percent markup of life-saving HIV drugs, but if you (rightly) object to that, your beef is more with capitalism than Shkreli. What makes him uniquely awful is his public persona, an unholy combination of anachronistic Master of the Universe and Chris Christie-esque embrace of music that is antithetical to everything he stands for, hence his Wu Tang fandom and the Elliot Alderson-chic hoodie he was perp-walked in. Shkreli’s fraud arrest could have been the first time he’d made the news and he would only have been slightly less loathsome.
Sentence: Appointed official Sin-Eater for the 2008 financial crisis.
6. Immortan Joe
Crimes: Like Shkreli, profiteered based on his access to a life-saving commodity; unlike Shkreli, who at least is young, Joe didn’t even age gracefully, wearing his hair long and going everywhere in a jacked-up post-apocalyptic Caddie that screams “performance issues.” Not even a good warlord, as his contemporaries point out the sheer amount of time and resources he wastes on trying to re-appropriate his trophy wives/sex slaves. If he were a better manager maybe he wouldn’t have put a warrior woman looking for revenge in such a high-level position.
Sentence: A tombstone reading “Here lies Old Bane, killed by a girl.”
5. David Daleiden
Crimes: You may not know this beady-eyed anal fissure’s name but you definitely know his handiwork. Daleiden, the Hassan Ngeze of the pro-life movement, is the founder of the “Center for Medical Progress,” a name almost as ballsy in its Orwellian-ness as “pro-life movement.” In 2015, Daleiden released a series of secretly-recorded videos in which his operatives and Planned Parenthood employees discuss reimbursement for the cost of fetal tissue donation, which Daleiden deceptively edited and spun for the cheap seats as “selling baby parts.” The videos led to totally-sincere outrage from conservatives, who up to this point had been huge fans of the women’s health provider, and a series of investigations wherein even archconservative attorneys general conceded they found no wrongdoing, and finally a deadly mass shooting in a Colorado Planned Parenthood by a man who yelled “no more baby parts” upon his arrest. Nice job, Dave. No, really, nice job, considering it’s hard to argue you were going for anything less.
Sentence: Arrested after a televised interview by him has its sound edited to make him say “Anyone want some of this child pornography?”
4. Ted Cruz
Crimes: If Donald Trump is the right-wing populist id, Cruz is the superego, an Ivy League alum who’s worked in all three branches of government but appeals so cravenly and condescendingly to the dumbest segment of the electorate that he’ll pretend he’s the kind of person who uses the interjection “jiminy cricket” in everyday life. If the Tea Party skepticism of government was remotely genuine, they’d see right through a sitting senator doing a patronizing, Larry the Cable Guy-level impression of them for their votes and money, but like a lot of constituencies, their loyalty is ultimately to whoever gives them the best handjob, no matter if he barely even pretends not to be a Big Oil puppet.
Sentence: Rare form of laryngitis leaves him with the accent of a Kennedy for the rest of his life, obliterating his support in a week
3. Zack Budryk
Crimes: Simultaneously self-loathing enough to put himself on a list like this and egomaniacal enough to put himself higher on it than Ted Cruz. Over-reliant on listicle format. Put together a list of the worst people of the year that includes himself and a fictional character. Wrote this article at his day job. Weird-looking guy with a gorgeous wife, putting him in the inauspicious company of Jason Sudeikis, John Krasinski and whatever Mr. Christina Hendricks’ name is. Entirely too negative.
Sentence: Prospective future employers Google him and find out he called someone a “weasel-faced foreskin.”
2. Donald Trump
Crimes: A blasphemous Frankenstein’s monster made from Pat Buchanan’s warm embrace of white supremacist support, George Bush’s smug, proud ignorance and Mitt Romney’s cartoonish elitism, Trump is also like Frankenstein’s monster in that the creators he’s turned on have no one to blame but themselves. If the GOP had made an effort to bring anyone but angry, aging, poorly-educated whites into its tent, a different candidate could appeal to a different demographic and overtake him. In the meantime, the party is left with a frontrunner who can do literally nothing to alienate his base, from saying a woman who asked him tough questions was on her period to endorsing the “passion” of people committing hate crimes in his name. All of that, in the wide, terrifying eyes of his supporters, is either perfectly fine or propaganda from the liberal media. Except at this point, more of them are just coming out and saying “Jewish media.”
Sentence: The actual work of being president.
1. Dylann Roof
Crimes: It may not be PC but some stereotypes are true, as in the case of this sexually frustrated loser who embraced guns and white nationalism while fucking around on the Internet. Such a sniveling coward that he decided against “go[ing] into the ghetto” for Baby’s First Helter Skelter, Roof instead murdered nine people at a historic black church in Charleston, South Carolina, literally congratulating himself for his “bravery” in his terribly-written manifesto. Much like Trump, Roof may be practically different from a broad swath of America but philosophically he’s a part of a whole; his rant about the “liberal media” engendering undeserved sympathy for Trayvon Martin could have come from basically any comment section. If any good came of his rampage, it’s that even Southern politicians realized that maybe it had become bad optics to continue using the symbol of a white supremacist failed state that lasted five years when someone like Roof was into it too.
Sentence: “Tyler Perry’s The Dylann Roof Story,” coming this fall.