Dear Margot: Getting Nailed

Getting Nailed 

By Margot Riddle
​QuailBellMagazine.com 

Dear Margot,

​My actual name is just Nancy, but I thought it would be cute and funny this way. Again, just Nancy, don’t want to confuse you. Anyway, I have a rather severe predicament. In my old age, I have lost my driver’s license (I don’t see why flying into a playground of kindergarten students is grounds for my license being revoked. Only a few students were scratched up and no one died, I apologized and even offered to buy a box of bandages. Store brand, mine you, I like to be frugal).
​

Anyway, my dear, my little problem I am experiencing at this moment is that my toenails are far too long. And I am completely clueless on how I can fix this. I used to go to the nail salon once a week but without a car, my walker can only go so far on the sidewalk (the old tennis balls on the back get a little roughed up and you know I like to be frugal and not buy balls if I have to).

Sorry dear, like I was saying, I have a bit of a nail issue. I do not know how to deal with such a predicament. I remember those salon girls trimming my toes with something, but I don’t exactly know what. My husband, Wilbur, has lost his teeth and quite frankly, he hasn’t moved from the couch for a few days now. It’s hard to know if he’s dead or just sleeping. You’ll understand when you’re older dear.

When I used to garden, I had a lawn shear. I don’t remember throwing it out (again, frugal, my dear) and I have been debating if I should waddle my little body over to the shed and clip my nails with that. It’s very big so I don’t think I need glasses. I can just hold my toes up and clip. I’m assuming that is how you groom your toes?

Anyway, Ms. Margot, have you ever had any issues with long nails? Do you have any advice on how to self-pedicure? Oh! Oh yes, I forgot to add that I plan to get my nails painted as well. We have this lovely shade of ruby red house paint that I think would look so perfect. It says it is toxic to eat, but I surely would never nibble on my tiny foot potatoes.

Thank you for your time reading this, it is good to know there are still youths out there doing good. Not like those pesky hooligans riding up and down our driveway with their foot trains. I think that’s what they are. I was once told they were called “skate slabs” or something? Either way, I wish I still had my license so I could drive to their mothers’ houses and make sure that those youngsters get a spanking or two.

I am not sure how I am sending this to you. I don’t really understand the concepts of computer mailboxes. But your generation is strange. At least I can save the money I would have to use for a postage stamp.

Sincerely,

Long Nails Nancy
(my real name is just Nancy)


Dear Nancy,

Why clip your toenails at all? There are people that would love to have your long toenails. But if you want to keep them trimmed, hire a horse farrier to clip your nails. Because if not, your feet may go lame like a race horse’s and you’ll die from it. At least with that grim solution you will be remembered as a noble steed.

​-xoxo Margot 
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#Real #DearMargot #Advice #Nails #Manicure 

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