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Fifty Shades of What the Hell
By Jade Miller
Oh, Fifty Shades of Grey. Where to even start?
I got conned into reading this book by a girlfriend of mine who insisted it was a steamy read that I wouldn’t want to put down. WRONG. This book is not only terribly written (which really took me out of the story mindset), it was also really hard to suspend disbelief that these kinds of situations would actually happen to a person, let alone a clumsy virgin at, like, 25 or something. Not that being a virgin is a bad thing. This fact just added to the overall what-the-hell factor of Fifty Shades.
Now, this girlfriend lent me the entire trilogy. And I read the first one in a sort of quickness. I can finish the entire Hunger Games trilogy in a day, so I figure I’m a pretty fast reader. However, it took me several days to read the first book, and when I finally picked up the second one [WHICH IS EVEN WORSE], I had to put it down for a week or four in the middle because it was just so terrible. I couldn’t make myself read the third one. It would've been too shitty of an experience. I Wiki’d the plot, and I didn’t miss much, just saved myself some horrible writing and pregnancy sex. Ignoring the obviously abusive and unbalanced relationship hiding in BDSM clothing, the sex isn’t even that hot. I know Anastasia is a virgin so everything is new and interesting, but sex on your period and Ben-Wa balls is not all that exciting. The sex in the second book doesn’t get much better.
Moving on to the movie trailer. First things first: These people aren’t even hot! I was expecting some sexy goodness, and these people are plain faced ho-hums! I feel like I am being robbed from fantasy fodder. A boring brunette and a boring brunette, neither of which I recognize. I know several people dropped out because of how bad the script was [SURPRISE!], so they must have really been scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Can we talk about the rating? Seriously—R? A book that is literally porn gets an R? What is the point of even going to see it if there’s only going to be clenching butts, awkward movie L-shaped sheets, and no dicks. This girl will hopefully have some nice boobs and the guy will be all muscle-y, I assume, in order to balance the complete lack of sex in a movie that’s all about sex. I promise ya, you did not read this book for the great love story, and you’re not going to the movie for some lovely romance that will have you swooning in the aisles.
The hottest thing about this movie trailer is Beyoncé crooning in the background with her slowed down "Crazy in Love" remix. That was what made my blood tingle when watching the trailer. Super-duper hot and a super-duper a song for boning. Ready for the soundtrack to come out just for that one song.
All the above being said, I will go see this movie. Not on Valentine’s Day—God, that would be depressing—but some other time with some girlfriends and maybe sneak in a flask to spike my giant soda to make this boring R movie with its boring faced actors a bit more interesting and make the horrid abusive undertones less repugnant.
#Real #FiftyShadesOfGrey #50Shades #StupidBooks #StupidMovies #Sex #Porn #NotReallyLove #Unromantic #BadPlots
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