Satire: How to Scare a Mummy

You've Got This THING Under Wraps

By Caelon Reed
QuailBellMagazine.com

Editor's Note: We usually put our satire over in The Real, but since we're all about experimenting and wanted to try something new, we've casually snuck this piece here on The Unreal. Like it better here or on the other blogroll? Let us know!

The end of summer is always a sad time that we try to put off as long as our 24 hour days permit. This is the time we get in those last minute “vacays” and road trips. I mean this is the end of our relaxation period. The next time period worth looking forward to is Halloween, and we have to approach that day with caution. 

What kind of caution you ask? Well, aside from planning the perfect-not-offensive-or-super-expensive-but-still-fun-and-comfortable costume for Halloween night, we have to be cautious of the “others” that will be lurking the town that night. Which raises another question for some I’m sure. Who are these "others"? The “others” are none other than mummies, of course! The name alone has me shaking in my flip-flops. Don’t fret! I have a few tips for just how to scare a mummy:

• Fit in: If you’re brave and don’t freak out at the sight of a mummy, you could probably get away with dressing like one. You just can’t wrap yourself and think you’ll pass when faced by an authentic mummy. This method requires a great deal of time and effort. Though most mummies have been in their mummified condition for years, many are still fairly put together and are looking pretty good. You on the other hand don’t need to worry about looking like a neat mummy because then you’ll attract others that will want to converse and that is too risky. In other words, don't be a hot mummy. 

To be the best unapproachable mummy, you need to wrap yourself at least twenty-five times. Normal mummies don’t like approaching Hulk-looking mummies. There’s always that chance that you’ll run into another Hulk mummy, though, so make sure your smell is spot-on. As in, gross. 

Corpses are adorned with fragrances when prepared for mummification, and believe it or not, those fragrances last a LONG time. You, on the other hand, need to make sure you smell as awful as possible. Gather sewer water, onions, and cow manure to soak your wrapping cloths in a week prior till the day of wearing them. After about an hour of being entrapped in your newfound odor, you’ll get used to it. The bigger and smellier you are, the better.

• Be a dragon: This mummy-scaring tactic is used mostly by folks who enjoy arts and crafts. If you are one such person, then this is the perfect method for you. Think loads of cardboard, green paint, glitter, etc. What else could scare a mummy more than an animal that could cause its demise in a matter of seconds? Nothing quite does the trick like a dragon. 

The great part about choosing the dragon approach is you can join forces with your friends and become the ultimate dragon. Choose your dragon team accordingly and thoroughly practice your dragon walks and general mobility numerous times together before hitting the streets Halloween night. Otherwise you'll end up looking like a tripping mess. A mummy could easily notice a minor slip-up, and see you as a target. He will not only be after you because you're mortal, but also because you offended them by your attempt at trickery. Mummies hate being tricked.

• Play "Rock, Paper, Scissors": If all else fails and you find yourself cornered by a mummy challenge it to a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.” Don’t be intimidated by the mummy's enthusiasm to play. They are great competitors and love a challenge. 

Since the mummy has been asleep for a few hundred or thousand years and missed out on a lot during that time, he's probably a little dopey. Tell him that these days, we play with our backs turned. You have about 15 seconds to pick up four of the biggest rocks you can find. Aim the first two at the mummy's head to knock him unconscious; use the other two to anchor his ankles so he can’t stand up. He won’t be sleep too much longer so use a pair of scissors (which should have been in your pocket in preparation for your Halloween costumes/crafts/just 'cause), to cut off all of his wraps. I advise you first shred his arms and legs so he can't get away or hurt you. Finally the mummy is nothing more than a heap of shredded paper wrap. Burn that paper and run home. 

Hopefully I have aided you with some great tactics to keep you safe on that inevitable Halloween night to come. Now you have months to prepare. Good luck!