The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Your Weird, Semi-incestuous Big Day
By Quail Bell Provocateur
Hello, budding young woman! Have you started your period? Are you thinking about boys? Forget puberty and focus on purity. You're about to get a big, sketchy ball in honor of your stolen sexuality. But don't worry—you get to wear a fluffy white dress that will make you feel like a princess. You know, those women in medieval times who were stuck up in towers and forbidden from doing anything until Prince Charming rescued them. Then they were allowed to get married. You're not allowed to do anything until you get married, either. So stop thinking for yourself. That's part of the pledge you're signing.
Wait, wait. You can't help but think? Then think about this: how to make your purity ball extra creepy. Because it's really not weird enough, you know? Not with you and your dad exchanging vows like a married couple. Not with you saying your dad is your boyfriend. Not with you getting a heart-shaped necklace and your dad getting the key. No, your purity ball could and should be much stranger. Here's how:
Photo by David Magnusson.
• Dance with a cadaver and Daddy. It will be your Christian threesome. And while you're at it, pledge your purity to the cadaver, too. He'll protect you from the zombies of the Underworld vying for your virginity.
• Serve eyeballs instead of cheese puffs. They represent all of the people watching you to make sure you don't break your promise to your dad (and the cadaver.)
• Invite every boy you've ever had a crush on. Put all these boys in a corral. Don't feed them and don't let them out when the party's over. Let them perish there. Daddy will be so proud!
• Unleash a legion of toads onto the dance floor and kiss every single one of them. These are the only toads you'll be kissing 'til you meet your frog prince.
• Before the end of the night, gaze into a mirror. Now that you've signed the pledge, every mirror will become a magical looking glass that reveals the face of your future husband. Don't cry if the mirror shatters.
• Keep your gown so your daughter can wear it when it's time for her pseudo-wedding, er, purity ball. Store it in a massive jar of formaldehyde.
#PurityBalls #Feminism #Virginity #ChristianFundamentalists #WomensChoice