Rapunzel Man and Princess Charming
In truth, reality's fairy tales are often reversed.
The damsel rescues the bum of a bloke.
Such was the case with Rapunzel Man—no joke.
Sequestered in a tower was Rapunzel Man.
He scratched his buns to pass the time,
among doing one other thing for which there is no rhyme.
Unlike the lovely Rapunzel we all know from the books,
Rapunzel Man lacked something in the department of looks.
He was wrinkled and wiry, and had a beard many yards long.
Oh, what a moping, weeping mess, that Rapunzel Man!
Always hoping to escape! Always keeping to himself!
Lonely and desperate, he had stopped chanting, “I can.”
For he could not.
For he would not.
For he should not.
When an evil witch puts a nasty spell on your tower,
you wouldn't dare leave before the final hour,
especially if she told you she'd cut off your prized beard.
ran through the forest, pursuing her primary delight:
hunting stag with her beloved bow and arrow.
Whilst chasing a thick, red deer one day,
she heard something that interrupted her play.
It wheezed, it coughed, it choked, and it moaned.
No, this was no enchantress' song.
It was Rapunzel Man, rubbing his dong,
unbeknownst to Princess Charming
In her naivete, she did not find such noises alarming,
but perhaps even a bit disarming,
so accustomed was she to the redundant sounds of stags.
So Princess Charming followed the groans
until she chanced upon Rapunzel Man's secluded tower.
Upon spotting her, oh, how did Rapunzel Man cower!
“Why, it must be the witch in her new form,” said he.
“I must pretend I am reading, not performing this blasphemy.”
So Rapunzel Man picked up an ancient tome, held upside-down of course.
“Greetings!” shouted Princess Charming.
“I could not help but notice the strange melodies coming from here.
Were you responsible for such sounds?”
Rapunzel Man blushed and hid his face behind the book.
“Look, Madame Witch, I apologize,
but you must understand how--”
“Witch?” Princess Charming laughed. “You call me a witch?”
Growing nervous, Rapunzel Man began to twitch.
“I do not seek to offend,” he said, “But merely to address you properly.”
“I am not a witch!” she replied, “I am Princess Charming,
blonde and beautiful, with Nipples of Might,
though, sadly, not the power of flight.”
Rapunzel Man jumped. “Have you come to rescue me?”
“I did not know you required rescuing.”
“Aye, I do! Please do me a favor and I'll do you three.”
“I shall help if I can,” Princess Charming shrugged,
“Granted I've rarely proven useless before.
I am all hero, straight to the core.”
“Then please, please, please do what you can to release me
from this wretched tower!
So I may rejoice in the natural world, starting with smelling a flower.”
Princess Charming assessed the situation,
studying the tower from the ground up.
In two wags of a doe's tail, she saw a lock as round as a cup.
“Simple fare,” she muttered to herself.
Then, poising her Nipples of Might,
Princess Charming marched straight up to the lock.
She twisted one of her nipples just like a key.
Suddenly the tower crumbled
and Rapunzel Man was free.
he shrieked with glee.
“Now what about those favors?” Princess Charming inquired.
“Well,” Rapunzel Man paused, “What is it you require?”
From then on, Princess Charming had just the fellow
to gag and bellow until the stags
emerged from the woods in curiosity.