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The UrgesWords by Andi Chrisman Image by Fabrice Poussin QuailBellMagazine.com *Editor's Note and Content Notice: The author is in recovery now and doesn't feel "The Urges" much anymore, thankfully. my skin is itchy its crawling i can’t sit still—i need to move to move and i need to move now. i pace pace pace room to room wildly trying to make The Urges go away
i know how to make this feeling go away 24 pills should be enough 48 if I’m willing to risk my life again to make this feeling leave my body a seizure or five—it won’t matter, i forget them anyway. am I willing to do that to those who love me? to make this painful Urge go away? I know the real answer: healthy skills. coping skills. Distress Tolerance. there’s a middle ground though, two unhealthy paths i can take, yet not as bad as letting The Urges win Sleep. Eat. sometimes I take sleeping pills at 10am to hide from The Urges. these pills give no relief beyond oblivion, but sometimes a few hours of sleep is enough to hide from The Urges and hide under the safety of light snores and mild tossing and turning. another destructive habit. Candy. one piece is quickly swallowed. as soon as one is in my mouth, another is being unwrapped. eat. eat. eat. don’t taste. just try to replace the pills with equal amounts of candy. today is not perfect. but it is a step in the right direction. i take the first step towards willingness by addressing my weakest skill: admitting i have The Urges. i tell a friend how this feels. i try a few Distress Tolerance skills, but they aren’t strong enough. today I will sleep a few hours away to cope Is it the healthiest choice? no. Is it still a better choice? slightly. Because, in the end, when i wake up, The Urges are less. i’m still anxious. still creepy-crawling sensations, but losing two hours to sleep is more acceptable than losing my life to a “high” that i loathe more than i love. one step at a time. one day at a time. one emotion at a time. one Urge at a time. maybe today is one second at a time. that second passed, successfully. now I will try to handle the next one. CommentsComments are closed.
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