Why I do What I do: Courtney Barron

Blood, Ink, and Soul

By Courtney Barron
QuailBellMagazine.com

I write because no one in my family does. I write because this is the only way to really know me. I write because the sky makes me feel small and sometimes its silence screams at me. I write because my heart might explode with love and gratitude. I write because I'm just a teensy bit lost. I write because I might be sick like so many before me. I write to explain what I will never ever understand. I write because my favorite sound is the stormy summer rain in Mississippi. I write because I have felt at home on foreign soil. I write because music makes me. I write because that one time changed my soul forever. I write because of Marilyn. 

I write because my body is a book and its words are my blood. I write to try to know and honor my ancestors. I write because I want to control the future but I know that makes me a fool. I write because I want to know what it really means to be beautiful. I write because I am every person and every person is me. I write to learn. I write because of the sad eyes and reaching hands of the world that I can't help. I write because I can't stand people sometimes. I write in gratitude for the lessons that made me bleed and become stronger. I write to remember the oceans current tugging me away from the beaches of my youth. I write because the world is on fire but no one seems to notice. I write because outside my window scares me. I write to make sense of it all. I write because of the sweet stillness of prayer. I write to find patience and peace within. I write because sometimes I think I'm the most selfish person I've ever met. I write to prove myself wrong. 

I write because loneliness can be very, very smothering. I write to find my elusive savior. I write because there is beauty even in the most ordinary of things. I write because somewhere within me is a young girl, a warrior, and an old woman that are all very good at hide and seek. I write because the walls really are talking and someone needs to write that stuff down. I write to find that little bit of light in a dark room. I write to remember to be humble. I write because people forget to stop and just be. I write because one time I got to watch the sun rise alone in Times Square and I think I felt God. I write because writing is actual freedom in every way. I write because sitting on the rivers edge and listening to the Earth whisper makes me feel that good kind of crazy. I write because everyone else is so important.

I write because in that small apartment upstairs I found love and a new journey. I write to make sure I always remember the bad so I can appreciate the good. I write because of karma and her terrible sense of humor. I write because what I think about the world has to matter to someone somewhere. I write to honor the ever present glowing moon that will forever tug at my soul. I write because I've hurt someone but I don't regret it. I write to make sure I'm getting this thing called “life” while I'm living it. I write because I'm afraid to disappoint her. I write because I might just love you after all. I write because, absolutely without a doubt, I have to. I write because I don't know anything at all.    

Courtney Barron lives in Maine and is studying to become an AOD counselor.

#Writing #Confession #Manifesto