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Coco Loko: Don't Waste Your Money
I tried Coco Loko, a snortable chocolate laced with energy drink stimulants, so you don’t have to.
Coco Loko has been making headlines since Chuck Schumer called to have it investigated and regulated by the FDA. He called it “cocaine on training wheels.” Upon further investigation, I found out Coco Loko is free for anyone to try, and I’m always down to try new things. According to Nick Anderson, the 29-year-old creator of Coco Loko, would make me feel an “almost like an energy-drink feeling, like you’re euphoric but also motivated to get things done.” It sounded like fun, so I wanted to try it for myself.
Apparently, this whole chocolate-snorting craze came from Europe. That’s how Nick Anderson got the whole idea. At first, he thought it was a hoax, but after he tried it, he thought, “This is the future right here.” So he started selling it. It made me feel less lonely and more confident in my purchase to know that people in Europe had this chocolate-snorting thing down pat.
So I bought some from this store and much to my delight, the Coco Loko arrived promptly in the mail, complete with package tracking. As someone who’s been waiting well over a week after the “estimated shipping” date, I really appreciate that. When I opened the package, I noticed the container the Coco Loko came in looked a lot smaller in person. After cracking open the container, I saw Coco Loko in all its brown, powdery flesh. It looked a lot like heroin. One of my friends had warned me that he heard the stuff was “pretty strong” and to be careful with it.
Much to my surprise, I found out this snortable chocolate powder had actual calories: 13 of them, to be exact. From the label, I learned that Coco Loko’s ingredients include 2,000 mg of organic raw cacao along with 100mg of L-Arginine, 100mg of Ginkgo Biloba (At least I think that’s what it says?), 100mg of guarana, 100 mg of taurine, and 100mg of b12. You’ll recognize a lot of these stimulant ingredients from energy drinks. Still, despite the innocuous-sounding ingredients, I was still cautious.
When I snorted my first line of Coco Loko, it tasted like - you guessed it - chocolate. I imagine snorting actual drugs would be a lot less pleasant. However, even after waiting, I didn’t feel any pep in my step,let alone a “buzz.” In order to feel anything from this product, I had to do 4 lines each. Meanwhile, Coco Loko costs about $25, the cost of 4 to 5 energy drinks.
Curious about trying Coco Loko as a more crafty way to feel energized? Don’t waste your money. I would rather just gulp down an energy drink than snort 4 or more lines of Coco Loko to get the same effect. Coco Loko was a funny disappointment, but a disappointment nonetheless.
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