Your Christmas Tree Craves Human Flesh
With the arrival of Epiphany on Friday, January 6th, the Christmas season officially ends. The corpses of pines and elms—stripped naked of all their ornaments like refugees of holiday cheer—shall litter the streets. Because of winter's early sunset, soon these cast-offs will shiver in the cold, dark night, displaced by the spoils of premature Valentine's Day blockbuster sales.
But don't assume that once you've dropped your tree at the curb, you'll never see it again. Christmas trees have souls; they have regrets and they harbor resentment. Beware of such restlessness! Beware of Christmas tree zombies!
Unless your rent is up, fleeing is not an option. If you don't learn to protect yourself, your Christmas tree zombie will find you and have his revenge. So arm yourself with knowledge.
Here's how to ward off the post-Yuletide flesh-eaters:
• Don't cut yourself: Packing your Christmas decorations can be dangerous. You could drop a tree ornament and cut yourself. You could slice yourself on a cookie-cutter. You could suffer paper cuts from greeting cards and gift wrap. Be careful. Your Christmas tree zombie was born to sniff out blood and if he smells it, he'll come after you like a shark comes after a bleeding seal pup in the open ocean.
• Recycle loose needles: Your Christmas tree zombie will rifle through your garbage can if you throw away loose needles. Neglecting to sweep your living room's practically a free invitation for hungry, supernatural company. Compost the needles or use them as kindling, but don't be wasteful.
• Wait a few weeks: All crazy holiday decorators spruce up their houses at least a month before the actual holiday. The most annoying of them often go missing for “mysterious” reasons. To paranormal experts, the mystery's not so grand. Christmas tree zombies eat such crazy holiday decorators. If you don't want to end up in a Christmas tree's stomach, just remember that tree zombies hate cupid, hearts, and hugging teddy bears. You'll be much safer if you delay your decorating frenzy. Even a Christmas tree zombie can't fault you for tacking up your cardboard love bugs a fortnight before Valentine's Day. It is, however, likely he'll swallow you whole if you put them up this weekend.
• Feed the kitty inside: Place all pet food in your house. Don't leave bowls or feeders of any kind on the porch. Christmas tree zombies, when not munching on human flesh, can subsist on kibble for ages. Think of them as taller, greener, pointier versions of rabid raccoons.