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For the Pink Shorts Crowd
By Sorcha Patricks
Ever been teased for your blatant preppiness? Ever had to explain why you bought five-dollar bright green hair ribbons? Ever had someone notice your New Balance sneakers and salmon shorts and scoff, “You look like a ninety year old man on a golf course?” If so, then Charlottesville, Virginia is the place for you! Welcome, fellow preps, as I guide you through the town you’ll come to love.
We begin first at the University of Virginia, our mother ship. Our campus was founded in 1819 by Thomas Jefferson. Since the brick buildings look as homogenous as we do, it’s easy to get a little turned around. Here we have the Lawn, on which perfect people with gleaming white teeth play Frisbee. And over here we have the—wait a minute, wrong building—either our student dorm or the mathematics building. I really don’t know which one! Did I mention we were founded by Thomas Jefferson?
Academics are a major focus of all UVA students. We have an Honor Code that we feel very strongly about, except when it comes to buying term papers. When we’re not studying, we enjoy supporting our school sports team. Make sure to visit a UVA football game during your stay! Though the team hasn't won in years, main attractions include the puking undergraduates and the highest amount of polo shirts per capita of anywhere in the world.
Of course, we don’t just study and watch football—we enjoy our recreation off campus, too. The school’s motto, “Work hard, party hard,” leads to raucous nights on the Corner, UVA’s student hub, where drunk nineteen-year-olds desperately show fake IDs to weary bouncers and cry in alleyways when their boyfriends don’t show them enough attention. Charlottesville’s expensive Downtown Mall is another hot spot for nightlife: any Friday or Saturday you can hear students in pearls and popped collars say “Have you seen Molly?” or “I have my dad’s card. Let’s get some drinks.”
That’s not all Charlottesville has to offer. On the city's southwest corner we have the historically black neighborhood, but you wouldn't want to visit it because, well, it's full of black people! There’s also Pantops, but it’s just a little too...well you know...sketchy? For shopping, go to Barracks Mall, where you can find a monogrammed Lilly iPad case marked down to only two hundred dollars. Great deal, you know? I paid three hundred dollars for mine down in Charleston.
So if you have money, connections, Grandma’s pearls, and a wish not to talk to others “below” you, Charlottesville is your town! Visit today!