Remedies for House Brownies
If you've experienced brownies already, their mischief and irritable ways are hardly newsworthy. You just want a remedy that will banish them from your humble abode forever and ever. Try these three tips for starters:
• Go (temporarily) vegan: Rid your kitchen of dairy.In fact, remove all dairy products from your house. Don't try to hide any in your china cabinet or laundry hamper. Brownies have a sense of smell so well developed that they can sniff out all dairy products within a five mile radius.Even if you live for cheese, you need to make the sacrifice. Eventually, it'll be safe to bring back your Nesquik and Kraft, but not until a full moon cycle has passed. So grab a box, stuff it with every carton, bottle, tub, and box full of dairy you have, and march it directly to your local church or soup kitchen. At least the hobos can enjoy your Laughing Cow.
• Put locks on all your valuables: While it's true that brownies are adept at picking locks, it's also true that they are inherently lazy creatures. Locks usually deter them—unless they really have to put their grubby claws on something. If you're still not convinced that they're a worthwhile investment, remember that locks also deter real criminals, so consider it a twofer.
• Predict pranks: Is your house prank-proof? No house ever is, but you can at least eliminate all the prime targets. Start by scanning your house with the mindset of a brownie. What looks fun and easy to ruin? Liquids, grains, and other “spillable” items should be stored in sealed containers. All of your embarrassing possessions, whether unflattering photographs, ratty sweaters, or porn, should be well-hidden. Keeping your porch light and at least one light inside the house on at all times might not help your electricity bill, but it will make brownies think twice about TP'ing or egging your house.