Satire: The 5 Men Every Bohemian Gal Dates

Don't deny your dating patterns!

By Paisley Hibou
QuailBellMagazine.com

Beatnik, hippie, punk, goth, hipster—whatever kind of counter-culture gal you are, one thing's for sure: There are some fellas you just can't avoid. Here are the five guys every alternative woman flirts with, dates, and maybe even falls in love with:

1. The Art School Drop-out: He's incredibly talented but about as motivated as a sea cucumber. He draws, draws, and draws, usually in energetic bursts that last days, and then suddenly stops. After that, he might not draw again for weeks or even months. Then it's off to video games or skateboarding or pot, maybe all three. Professors frustrated him and he didn't have the patience to play by the rules, so he ditched college the moment he saw an out. It's okay. At least he doesn't have to fret over student loans or put up with dorm food. Besides, you know he'll go back or get by on his natural talent. Maybe he'll exhibit in a big gallery and strike it rich. Someday...

2. The Poet-Philosopher-Professor: He's a brainiac who sneers at the bourgeoisie, chugs coffee, and owns enough books to cover every surface in his house. In fact, he's already done that. There's not an empty space on a shelf or table anywhere. He makes a habit out of reading these books, quoting them in casual conversation, and reminding everyone—including you—of the futility of life, of love, of everything. Since he's obsessed with death, it's no surprise he earned his Ph.D. After all, it's a terminal degree. (Drum crash.) He's confident it'll get a prestigious academic press to notice his novel/memoir/poetry collection. Maybe one day he'll take himself a little less seriously, but don't hold your breath. Apply to grad school instead. He might help you get tenure--after he's secured it himself.

3. The Bland Guy: He's a sweetie pie who loves his mom and wears sweater vests without the slightest tinge of irony. He works a steady, respectable job (related to his degree, which he earned at a good school) during the week and goes to church on Sunday (without clowning around during the service.) He goes out with his close-knit group of friends once a week, never leaving you wondering where he is because he'll come home exactly when he said he would. He is not a man of mystery, nor does he pretend to be one. He's a goody-goody and you put up with how boring he is because he rubs your feet and makes you dinner. If you ever ditch him, it's only because he's so...bland.

4. The Poser Rebel: He's SO tough. Really. Like, really. Except not at all. He's from the suburbs, grew up with a normal, happy family, and was sent to a private college paid for by Mommy and Daddy. But he has so much rage. He's so angry. The world's really screwed him over, you know? It's just not fair that he had to grow up so normal and so happy. That's why he has thousands of dollars worth of tattoos and piercings. He rides a motorcycle because it helps him feel free—free from his happy, normal house and his happy, normal parents, and his happy, normal job. Don't forget the leather jacket and mohawk.

5. The Lumberjack/Mechanic: This guy is 100% masculinity. What a relief after all those sensitive artsy guys who are skinnier than you. Hot, right? Yeah, for a second, until you realize he doesn't have any femininity to balance out his major macho problem. He works with his hands and usually keeps pretty quiet, except for when he barks at you for a PBR. At first, you don't mind too much because he's so handy. Then you finally admit it to yourself: he doesn't listen to a word you say. His chainsaw's just too loud. But, damn, nobody ever made coveralls look so good.