Satire: Room for Rent

Room for Rent

By Sorcha Patricks
QuailBellMagazine.com

Macon Street Books

Hey, at least it's cheap....

7x8” room available in Southwest Washington, D.C. house for $300/month. House is small; could be colloquially referred to as a “shack” or a “real piece of sh*t.” Tiny yard filled with dog turds and poison ivy. Weird redneck neighbors and creepy aging landlord are included free of charge. Our ideal roommate would be a young professional who isn’t too picky about living conditions. Background in pest control highly preferred. Rats and mice are prevalent, but edible and tasty if served in a casserole. Mostly quiet except for the soft whoosh of enormous wolf spiders scurrying across the carpet and the barking of our roommate’s three-legged dog, “Noisy.”

A little about us: four of us are relatively normal, and one of us is a raging C-U-Next-Tuesday (depicted above on a good morning). Expect constant bellyaching and the occasional violent kitchen war. Beast can be neutralized by waving stick of butter at it, so must have lard available at all times.  

We’re in a great location sandwiched between high school of juvenile delinquents and strip malls with mattress marts and cash advance stores. The bus comes by every day except Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. We’re nowhere near a Metro. There are very few crosswalks near our house and people frequently run across the large six-lane route dressed in all black at night. No crime, as no one would reasonably venture into such a dump. But expect teenage hoodlums to bang on your windows when they want a strip show.

Hope to meet our next new best friend!!!!!

Sorcha Patricks is a Washington, D.C. writer and poet. She is of Irish and Jewish heritage, meaning she can down a bottle of Manischewitz in no time flat. In her free time, she works as a puppy motivation coach and professional tater tot chef. You can reach her at [email protected].