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Relishing Autumn and All its Awesomeness
By M. Alouette
Editor's Note: This piece is a parody of The Onion's “Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street with Cup of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt.”
BALTIMORE—The delightfully curled Wye Oak leaves strewn across a sidewalk not far from Fell's Point's waterfront crunched like a fall time harmony beneath the darling U.O. Boots of Mrs. Autumn Lady, Cherise Marie Bacon, 27, as she walked from gallery to gallery on Saturday, reportedly wearing a burnt orange cardigan over an ironic “Its the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” T-shirt, sipping her Gouter Pumpkin Spice Latte Tonic and enjoying the cool October evening just a little too friggin' much for everyone else's taste as they shivered and rubbed their hands together, begging for summertime.
“Nothing beats autumn in the Mid-Atlantic,” said Her Royal Excellency, the Empress of Autumn, who started the day wrapped up in a knitted burgundy blanket she had bought at last year's Baltimore DIY Fest, staring out the window at the Baltimore Harbor and its array of golden-topped trees, as she does every morning this time of year.
“Whether you're a professor at Johns Hopkins or an artist at The Patterson, you can smell autumn in Charm City's air,” she said and then sighed with contentment. Then she took another swig of that warm, pie-flavored drink from her yellow “I <3 fall” mug. “I should build a bonfire tonight and invite all the neighbors. We can roast marshmallows and talk about our favorite Halloween costumes or Thanksgiving traditions.”
Ms. Autumn, who allegedly adores scarecrows and spaghetti squash, will be taking a trip to Frederick, Maryland with her boyfriend for apple-picking this weekend “before winter turns this place to hell” and “all I can think about are all the times I was dumped over Christmas break in high school and college.”
“Winter,” Ms. Autumn began before pausing to adjust her scarf, “sucks.”