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Satire: Luring a Jackalope
How to Lure a Jackalope into Your Apartment
By Paisley Hibou
As the days shift from slightly nippy to downright frosty, you, being as kind as Disney's Snow White, probably start to worry about all the furry creatures—including jackalopes. Where will they go? What will they eat? How will they avoid turning into popsicles while they sleep? Your natural compassion forces you to hatch a plan: Lure a jackalope into your apartment and baby it as much as your puppy, kitty, or firstborn. Eventually, you will nurse all jackalope orphans to health and re-locate them to a non-profit ranch that doubles as a unicorn clinic.
Of course, while you like the plan, you're not sure how to actualize it. You've never even seen a jackalope before, and nobody at the pet store has a clue, either. This is where a P.h.D. in Jackalope Studies would come in handy, but you dropped out of grad school after only one semester. Luckily, Quail Bell's editorial staff is still full of Jackalope doctoral candidates.
Here's how they suggest you get a jackalope to hop into your apartment and curl up tight for the winter:
First, carve a mouse hole into whichever wall faces the hallway. Then cover the hole with a cloth that has a bull's eye printed on it. The hole should now look like a doggie door for a hare-sized canine.
Jackalopes do not respond to bread crumbs, mostly because they never read “Hansel and Gretel.” They also don't go for plain ol' carrots since they're not really rabbits, either. What they do love are “broccarrots.” Broccarrots are hybrid broccoli-carrot kebabs. To make one, you cut off the trunk of a broccoli tree, skewer it half-way, and then put a baby carrot on the other end of the skewer. Prepare enough brocccarrots to leave a trail from the outside of your apartment all the way to your jackalope mouse hole.
At this point, you have a way for the jackalope to enter your apartment and you have pretty delicious bait, but those two things alone won't help you accomplish your goal. Jackalopes are deeply sensitive creatures. They need emotional stimulation. To truly win a jackalope's heart, you'll need mood music. Mood music will convince the jackalope that your intentions are noble.
You can't just put on some Barry White or Parisian cafe tunes and expect your jackalope to commit to you. You have to create a carefully curated playlist of mystical music only you can compose. Store-bought anything won't cut it. Recording the melodies of gnomes banging on mushroom tops and the sweet hum of a mermaid gurgling sea water will. Look for inspiration everywhere. You'll soon learn how to tune your ear to magic.
After you've put together a dozen or so songs, you're almost there. Next, you'll need to gather what you would for any little beast: a space heater, enrollment in a decent yoga course, gallons of pure spring water collected from the Alps, cashmere scarves, and chew toys. The bed can be anything—whether an old packing box lined with straw or a Barbie bed to breakfast deluxe bedroom gift set.
Set up your pile of jackalope junk in your apartment, preferably close to the mouse hole. Then hit the mood music and wait. One day your jackalope will come.
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