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The Year is Like Pizza Dough
By Belle Byrd
Okay, we get it: now that Christmas has ended, you're suffering panic attacks. There's less than one week left of 2013. You're not ready for this year to end! You don't want your far-flung friends and family to go back to their homes! Can't you do Christmas over? You didn't finish all your DIY projects in time and, well, maybe you wouldn't have so much Buyer's Regret now if only you hadn't been so rushed. Thanksgiving came too late this year! It threw you, me and everyone we know (yeah, like the Miranda July film) offity-off-off! WAH!
End scene. Quit yer whining and get ready to scheme. Here's are five ways to make 2013 just a teeny-tiny bit longer:
1. Don't cross off any more days on your calendar. If you don't cross a day off, it never happened. Hence, by applying white-out to the days you've already crossed off, you get those days back.
2. Take back all the presents you gave and kindly tell all the recipients they should have their sleep walking checked out. After all, don't they know Christmas is still a week away?
3. Keep on wearing your Christmas sweater, candy cane socks, Santa hat, etc. As long as you keep wearing them, it'll still be Christmas. And if it's still Christmas, it's not NYE.
4. Sleep. Don't wake up for days. Once you do wake up, tell everyone you had a premonition: 2014 is coming late.
5. Write a letter to Pope Francis begging him to make 2013 longer. Hey, there's a chance, right?