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Satire: How to Seduce a Griffin
It's not easy to tame the heart of a beast.
By Julie Lain
If you think the dating scene among humans is hard enough, try seducing a griffin. What’s a griffin, you ask? A griffin is basically a mythical creature that is half lion and half eagle, because a pure lion or eagle just wasn’t good enough for the Greeks—they had to create this hybrid super-creature for extra sexiness. Needless to say, being in the mere presence of one of these beasts without making it angry and getting ripped to pieces can seem a daunting task...because, you know, with its Hulk legs and flesh-eating beak, no one would be intimidated to approach one or anything...but here are a few ways in which you can get a griffin to find you somewhat tolerable:
1. Bring it gold. Griffins are known for finding and guarding treasures, those greedy mongrels. So surely, one would be very appreciative of receiving more treasure to add to its growing collection. But once it has the gold in its possession, don’t walk near it, don’t stand by it, don’t look at it...unless, of course, you want to become griffin food.
2. Wine and Dine it. Did you really think a wise, strong, and majestic animal such as a griffin would be interested in just anybody? These high-maintenance creatures have standards, you know. So take the griffin out for a meal and bring some dead birds or deer for it to eat...you wouldn’t want it to start nibbling your face or anything. Don’t try to use a coupon, either. Tacky.
3. Wear shiny, bright colors. Griffins are drawn to brightly-colored things as they are visual creatures—just like men. So ditch the little black dress and don some more summer-inspired colors. Leave a little to the imagination, though—griffins like a little mystery.
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