Satire: How to Make Your Clone Carry Out Your 2014 Resolutions

It's Not Like YOU'RE Going to Change

By Starling Root
QuailBellMagazine.com

It's already the second full week of 2014, dammit, and you're flailing when it comes to maintaining your resolutions for the new year. Big surprise: you're a loser. But it's okay. So am I and everyone else you know. That's why the more ambitious of us have put all our savings toward making a clone to do our bidding. After all, if there's going to be two of you, at least one of them shouldn't be a fuck-up*. By the way, one of your resolutions should be to stop being so cynical. Honestly, this is real advice—not sci fi. Nothing otherworldly going on here!

Anyway, now that I have your attention (and trust), here's how to whip your clone into shape and guarantee 2014 is the year you make mama proud:

• Starve your clone: It's a proven fact that a hungry person is also a person aiming to please. Don't feed your clone for three days straight and you'll be amazed by what he's willing to do for a chicken nugget, even the off-brand kind.

• Gag your clone: The longer your clone goes without a voice, the more eager he'll be to follow your instructions. Plus, your clone will become 10,000 times more efficient simply by avoiding chit-chat. Think about how much he'll accomplish without having to comment on the weather! It's raining? You don't say! Oh, I didn't notice. I just won the Nobel Prize!

• Kick your clone: Kicking anyone is a horrible thing to do. It's sooo mean, especially when that person's already down. Conveniently enough for you, though, clones aren't people. They're kind of blow-up dolls—more or less anatomically correct but unable to think or feel. If you doubt me, you might actually have a soul and a heart. But if you had either of those things, you wouldn't have read this far into the article.

Now you're off to see the wizard, the wonderful cloning wizard of cloned Oz!

*I love you, fledglings! I really do! One of my resolutions is to cure my potty mouth. So far, no luck. What an affliction! 

#Clones #Funny #Stupid #Silly #ScienceFiction #Inhumane #Jokes #2014 #NewYear #Resolutions #SelfImprovement