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Enchanted Animal Crackers, Fo' Shizzle
By Starling Root
Admit it, your life could use more magic. You'd like to retreat from conversations about gay marriage and gun control for a spell or two. (Maybe then you can avoid getting pressed up against the wall by a conservative soccer mom wacko for the third time this week.) You don't care about Honey Boo Boo or the latest Facebook re-design—or at least not enough to talk about this stuff ad naseum. You'd rather pet a unicorn. But where are you going to find one of those? You'll have better luck doing something reasonable, like enchanting your animal crackers, bringing them to life, and riding one into the sunset. Think small and you shall go far.
Resurrecting your animal crackers from their cemetery of commercial packaging is a cinch. Seize one in your hopeful fingers, close your eyes tighter than a pair of hipster skinnies, and twitch your nose like a witchy Samantha Stephens. Then say the magic words: “Kim Kardashian's big because she's pregnant and that's normal/Could we just stop talking about it already?/It's making me hormonal/Bring this hippo come to life and I'll name him Teddy.”
Repeat the words for whatever animal cracker you'd like to enchant next. The only catch is that its name must rhyme with Teddy. While that's limiting, you can't complain about having a camel to ride to work. You'll never have to pay a parking meter again! And if the meter maid is foolish enough to bug you, just have Teddy/Freddy/Betty spit in her face.