How to Befriend a Cockroach
Love even that which crawls and scatters teeny poops across your stovetop. In this modern era, you must learn to accept everyone—even cockroaches. Do not discriminate against race, ethnicity, religion, or six-legged things. Your ancestors used to slay dragons and that's why there are no more. It is your duty as a citizen of the world to ensure that cockroaches (the dragons of our generation) do not become a thing of the past.
But if you're still having doubts, I'll coax you into achieving social enlightenment. Start by doing and you could be the next Martin Luther King. Here are five ways to befriend a cockroach:
- Set out cupcakes instead of glue traps. Cupcakes are the ultimate olive branch. Plus, it means you get to eat icing.
- Attend a cockroach religious service. They usually happen Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at your toilet or kitchen sink. You'll likely observe the cockroaches worshipping your left-overs or fecal matter. Do not be disturbed. Instead, celebrate the differences.
- Enroll in a graduate program about cockroach history and culture. And if no such program exists, start one.
- Value the cockroach language. The way that cockroach nibbles into your soap means something. Rosetta Stone just can't tell you what.
- Instead of killing a cockroach, hug one. “Make love, not war” is as important now as ever, especially where insects are concerned.
Number 5 is the best piece of advice I can give you. If you go so far as to marry a cockroach, kudos to you. You've done more than befriend a cockroach; you've fallen for one. Look at how forward-thinking you are! A human-cockroach species will surely be the dominant creature of the future.