Satire: 7 Ways to Catch Santa Claus

Baggin' Some Ho Ho Ho

By Paisley Hibou
QuailBellMagazine.com

Okay, maybe you're not one of Oogie Boogie's “little henchmen.” There are still plenty of other reasons why you might want to catch Santa Claus, such as these: 1. To take all his presents and give the poor kids the best ones; 2. He sketches you out and want to get him psychologically examined; 3. You just HAVE to ask him for fashion advice. Plus many more!

Regardless of your intentions, I'll share a few theories about how to bag yourself a Santy—not that I've ever attempted any of these myself. Here are seven ways:

1. Cover your living room floor in pine tar. Keep it hot and Santa will get stuck. If you're concerned about your hardwood, well, that's your problem.

2. Wait by the chimney with a baseball bat. Do I really have to tell you the next step? Just be sure to have something cold for the big lump on Santa's head. He'll thank you later. After all, it's not like he can beg you for mercy after you've already done the deed.

3. Put a chair on your rooftop and wait for that sucker to fly by. You better make that slingshot EXTRA big, and find some way to haul Santa off the street.

4. Surround your Christmas tree with dragons/gargoyles/other scary, vicious things. In case you were wondering, yes, Santa does faint and he is loud when he falls. Come up with a lie for the neighbors.

5. Hold Rudolph hostage. It's not like Santa has headlights. I'm telling you: Ol' red nose is one valuable Rangifer tarandus. You're not going to find him in the Wal-Mart clearance aisle post-Advent.

6. Lay out a humongous feast. Santa will gorge himself like a goldfish and conk out. Feel free to have your way with him during his food coma.

7. Go to the North Pole with a net, preferably the same kind of net used to catch whales.