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The Horn You Always Wanted
By Paisley Hibou
When you're a unicorn, the world is a magical, sparkly place of no evil. Or least you cannot perceive evil. You're even protected by a forcefield of love and awesomeness. You have no awkward moments. You never have to toot. Whenever you are hungry, strawberry marshmallows just appear before you and fulfill all your nutritional needs in a single gulp. When you're a unicorn, everything is perfect because you have a long glittery mane and hooves that light up when you tap them against the ground. So what better way to start 2014 than as a fabled horse with a spiraling horn? Here are five ways to turn into a unicorn by New Year's eve:
1. Stand in front of your bedroom mirror, close your eyes, and say, “I am a unicorn” until you faint. When you wake up, you can guess what you'll be! (Woozy.)
2. Take a piece of chewing gum and stick a toilet paper roll to your forehead. Then neigh with all you've got.
3. Paint a rainbow on your stomach. Stand in the sunshine. Your transformation will come.
4. Read medieval literature non-stop for 48 hours straight without sleeping.
5. Wish upon a star. And then another star...and another star...and yet another star...