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They call you Swampie.
By Belle Byrd
Personal identity is complicated and understanding who you are requires a lot of reflection. You have to ask yourself the important questions, like, does my love for David Bowie actually make me selective but slutty? The more self-aware you are, the more obnoxious poetry you can write. And the more obnoxious poetry you write means, heck, you can wear that beret without looking like a douche. Oh, wait. You are a douche. But that's okay. At least you're aware of it. What's not okay? Not realizing you're a swamp monster when you actually are. So just to double-check, here are ten signs you might be a swamp monster:
1. You love the smell of swamp mire in the morning.
2. Your eyes are red—naturally. No scary contacts or pot involved.
3. Wild boar is your favorite meal, tusks and all.
4. You're cool with swamp snakes.
5. You're cool with swamp spiders.
6. You're cool with swamp scorpions. (Gotcha! No such thing.)
7. You're at least seven feet tall and don't play basketball.
8. You have gills instead of ears.
9. Your hands and feet are webbed.
10. Everyone else's definition of “dirty” differs from yours.
(And in case you were wondering, swamp monsters may not wear berets.)