Fairy Tale Vet 101: How to Tell if a Unicorn is Sick

How to Tell if a Unicorn is Sick

By Starling Root
QuailBellMagazine.com

All fairy tale veterinarian students must learn to recognize the signs of a sick unicorn in order to pass their fourth-year exams. (Because, remember, if you fail your fairy tale vet exam, you'll have to serve the rest of your life as an ogre's dentist.) Everything you ever thought about unicorns is true; they are cheery animals with cheery appearances. Nothing about them, from head to hoof, should look dreary. What does that mean specifically? Well, here are the four key symptoms of an unhappy horned horse:

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• Drooping and/or discolored horn: A healthy unicorn horn sparkles, spirals in one direction, and sits at a 45º angle with the unicorn's forehead. Horns should not belong to any other color family but pastel or metallic. A black horn, for instance, means death—often near-instant death. So if you see a unicorn with a black horn, don't be surprised if he suddenly explodes. In fact, stand back, unless you don't mind being covered in a permanent layer of glitter guts for the rest of your life.

• Thin and/or lusterless ponytail: A healthy unicorn possesses a thick, shiny tail. Its hair can be any color of the rainbow, but if the hair looks limp, dull, and thin, watch out. Such unicorns are often venomous. That means if you so much as try to braid that unicorn's tail, you will get the worst case of the runs you ever experienced. (Yup, even worse than that time you let your 10-year-old pixie cousin grill hamburgers at your family reunion.)

• Glazed over eyes: It is true that most other mythological animals are more cunning, resourceful, pragmatic, and—ahem--smarter than unicorns. However, even the dimmest unicorn should have some semblance of thought dancing in his eyes. A unicorn with glazed over eyes is probably going blind or losing his mojo.

• Non-glittery stool: Unicorns poop glitter. When they poop anything else, it's a problem. Their poop should never, ever under any circumstances resemble regular horse poop. If it does, the unicorn needs far glee in his diet. Glee deficiency is one of the top vitamin deficiencies that unicorns face; glee deficiency is also the leading cause of unicorn cancer.