Essay: Thoughts On Being Autosexual & Autoromantic While Fat

Being Autosexual & Autoromantic While Fat

By Ghia Vitale
@GhiaWasHere
QuailBellMagazine.com

I am autosexual and autoromantic. I am also fat. Here are some thoughts on being fat while also being sexually and romantically attracted to myself.

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​I’ve always been a fat girl. I’ve also always been sexually and romantically attracted to myself. People act like you can’t be perceived as attractive if you’re fat. They’re wrong. You can be plus size or fat and still be worthy of love. That includes love from yourself.
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When I was about 8 years old, I started checking myself out when I got out of the shower. I admired the curve of my hips with a towel clutched around it. That was the first time I noticed I was physically attracted to myself. This autosexual attraction stood in stark contrast to how I was treated every day by my peers at school: I was bullied for being fat. Finding myself attractive seemed like an anomaly because I am fat. Society told me that as a fat person, I was incapable of being perceived as attractive by anyone. 

Throughout my childhood, I worried that I would be single forever due to my size. I thought the concept of fat people being attractive was an impossibility. I also absorbed the message that my opinions, experiences, talents, and beliefs matter less because I am fat. I’m still working to unlearn the toxic beliefs and attitudes surrounding fatness that I’ve taken in throughout my life.

Growing up, people outside of my family had various ways of telling me that thinness was a requisite for being seen as attractive. If they didn’t subject me to blatant fat-shaming, they would convey it in other ways, like the woman at the store who bothered me about buying a certain size shirt (which fit perfectly fine on my body at the time, by the way). I’ve dealt with random lectures about willpower and discipline with the main assumption being that I lacked both, my fat being “proof” of my failings. There’s an entire culture still working against me that I have to grapple with every day.

Still, I was able to see through fatphobia and find myself beautiful. My attraction to myself is valid and worthy. It’s as valid as being attracted to another person of a smaller size. My sexual and romantic attraction to myself doesn’t matter less because I’m fat.

Being autosexual and autoromantic while also being fat defies all of the toxic attitudes I've learned about fatness. I am worthy of love from myself and others. I am allowed to embrace my body at every size and find myself attractive in any state I please. If fat people aren't supposed to have partners, I'm living proof that this isn't true. Fat people like myself can have genuinely loving (and dare I say sexual?) relationships with themselves as well as others.

Loving yourself is a revolutionary act, especially when you’re fat. It took me a while to understand that my opinions, experiences, and beliefs weren’t less valid than those of thinner people. I went through my childhood and college years struggling with my weight and fearing that people thought less of me because I’m fat. 

The truth is that anyone who sees me as less of a person because I’m fat isn’t someone I want to deal with. There’s a moral difference between us that I can’t support. Being fat doesn’t make me less of a person. It means I’m a person who’s bigger than you. Even if my size is a reflection of my eating habits, who cares? It doesn’t make me less worthy of love and affection from myself or others.

People out there assume I can’t love myself sexually or romantically because I’m fat. I love myself at every size, even at my largest as I currently write this. My relationship with myself is romantic and sexual in nature. I have a deep connection with myself that others don’t have. I am a lover unto myself, no matter what size I am.

Some people assume that me being autosexual and autoromantic is a defense mechanism for being fat and therefore undateable. I’m not going to pretend I don’t have a history of finding comfort in being attracted to myself. But honestly, I don’t think my attraction to myself is compensating for a lack of love from others. Not only have I been dating someone since high school, but I’m polyamorous. I have plenty of love in my life from myself and others. My attraction to myself doesn’t exist to fill a void.

Note: There are autosexuals and autoromantics out there who admit to being in relationships with themselves because they think others don’t want to date them. I’m just not one of them.

My sexual and romantic attraction to myself hasn’t changed much with my size. As I got bigger, I focused on how “fluffy”/fat I am as a turn-on. Sometimes, I just touch my fat just to enjoy its feeling. I’ve even developed a bit of a fat fetish and enjoy my belly in a sensual way. (Dare I admit that I’m a bit proud of my belly?) 

However, I’m currently trying to lose weight due to health issues. If being my size had no consequences, I wouldn’t bother changing it. I think I’m beautiful at every size.

Besides, my attraction to myself transcends my appearance. I love the person I am. I love basking in my existence and just enjoying my own presence. I enjoy and appreciate being me, even if and when others don’t enjoy or appreciate me or my body. I don’t exist to please others. I don’t owe anyone attractiveness as permission to live. My body serves me in many ways and that doesn’t count less because others have a problem with it.

If I had a partner who gained weight, I wouldn’t love them less. I wouldn’t think of their body as something to overcome, but rather, as something to embrace. Because I’m in love with my soul, my body is a turn-on at every size. My sexual and romantic feelings for myself remain constant throughout all phases of my body. I just had to learn how to tune out the haters and continue loving myself no matter what. I’m getting better at it each day.

I admit it: I’m not totally immune to fat-shaming. It takes nearly constant work to unpack the shame and guilt of the stigma surrounding fatness. It pisses me off when people decide to focus on my size rather than who I am as a person. When every now and then, fat-shaming rears its ugly head back into my life, I hit it with a mallet like in whack-a-mole and move on. I don’t have time for that kind of bullshit. 

Fat people are still worthy of love. That includes self-love. Being autosexual and autoromantic while fat breaks the cultural idea that fat people shouldn’t love themselves. I’m proud of my ability to love myself at every size in ways other people can’t fathom. 

Anyone of any size can be attractive. It’s all a matter of perception. What we perceive as attractive has a lot to do with the culture we spend our lives immersed in. Being attracted to a fat person is a valid experience, no matter how much society tells us otherwise.