Where do you go after the fall?
Vision blurred, legs shaking, I stumble with foggy intent. Where did I leave myself? Was it far or long ago that I lost my way? I followed a beautiful Light to get here; a brightness like a thousand stars; a beauty beyond my comprehension. I left a string of silk, reflective and shimmering in the light to find my way back.
One moment I could feel it, burning my eyes, warming my skin, that Light so bright. I was full up with its rays like we were one and the same. And then it left me. It left me here in the dark of a thousand nights, guided not by silk but caught and tangled in a spider’s web.
My skin is crawling. I am gripped with fear. Sleepwalking. Sleep crawling. A drifter here. I’m falling. The moon is no companion, and neither are the stars. I walk under a thick canopy dense with darkness. There are no clouds to be grey, no rain to soak my naked truth to the core. Night and day, there is no difference. No seasons. No time.
Where do I go after the fall? Do I head to the hip streets of Barcelona to play out my hand? Do I retreat to the thick jungles or tall mountains to live in solitude and soulful prayer? Do I plunge the pools of my own mind like some twisted holiday resort for the deranged and insane self I keep locked away? Do I sit here in silent meditation for the rest of my days, knowing what I know to be true — that it is the darkness that lights the way? Show me.
I’m drowning. Not in a lake of water but in a baptism of fire. My mind is lost now. I try to think, but my thoughts allude me. I try to feel, but my feelings disown me. I try to love, but my hate invades me. Did I take a wrong turn on my journey or was I cast out an unwanted pet? Where did I leave myself, anyway?
My soul is on vacation — a trip to Venus to take care of a broken contract. Busyness, I suppose. I don’t know when I’ll see it again. We made a deal, you see, at some point in time. I was lost, and I asked to be shown the way. I didn’t care when and I didn’t care how. I made a bargain with unknown forces. I wanted to find myself.
And now I know. I’m everything that’s right and wrong with the world. I’m north and south and east and west, this way and that, all senses and all directions. Don’t ask me which way is up, which way is out. Tell me. I’m still lost when I’m found. I’m empty and full, connected to all yet still wonderfully alone. I can’t find my way, and I have never been able to. I followed the light as blindly as I fell into darkness. My soul has come back now, and it has told me what it knows… that after the fall, we must stand up again.