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Poetry: Unearthing your old self? We’ve all been there. Click for 7 easy tips on how to maximize shoveling motions! by Kelli Lage
By Kelli Lage
1. Don’t be deterred when your neighbors say the smell will linger around their dining room table for years.
Just tell them,
their kitchen window is made as the same splintering wood as your coffin,
and the two phenomena will cancel each other out.
2. When your friends say it’s not worth a look.
Just tell them,
You know you had bad hair days; you can handle it.
3. The farmer digs until he bleeds, so there’s no reason you can’t either.
The secret is to grow your nails until they turn to razor blades.
The earth will know when you’re reading to slice open tongues that have chanted for your undoing.
4. If you miss pulling teeth, this is the perfect holiday activity for you.
When you find your rotted jaw, remember, The Tooth Fairy will still pay.
A crisp one-dollar bill for teeth from a sugared childhood.
50 cents on the dollar for a child-sized tooth she can redecorate.
(At least 50 cents will get you a newspaper, where you can read your obituary.)
It was written by a friend of a friend
and says nothing about how a bee stung your knee when you were five.
So, check every crevice, and flick away any fake gold that tries to make a claim on your bronze-winning crooked smile.
5. You will now be compensated for any funeral costs.
Ashes will reappear as matches in your drawer.
Scars will wash away down the kitchen sink.
You will cough as you learn to breathe after your mother’s hands leave your neck.
6. The pus that fell from your knee at your best friend’s sleepover in second grade will be drowned in your hometown river and turn to the froth of the waves.
7. Shivers are common. It just means you have another grave elsewhere. Best of luck finding it!
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This journal can not be held liable for any ghosts that take over the bodies of those digging for hauntings they shouldn’t have tried to resurrect in the first place.