Poetry: The Nice Guy Who Talks To Himself In Your DMs by Ghia Vitale

The Nice Guy Who Talks To Himself In Your DMs

By Ghia Vitale

Photo Credit: Pxhere.com

​Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hello… ?
What’s up?
Anyone home?
You’re cute.
I bet guys don’t tell you that often.

Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hello, beautiful!
Where are you?
Why won’t you answer me?
It’s not like I’m a stranger on the internet or something.

C’mon… I know you saw my messages.
I have proof.
I know we’ve never exchanged words before, but 
I know you’re lying to me.

I took the time to message you.
Now, you owe me a response.
It’s the least you could do.
I deserve it for being such a nice guy.
Surrender your attention to me now or else
I’m telling on you to Reddit.

Hello? Is anybody out there?
Ignoring me isn’t an option.
(Well, it’s not an option I can fathom, anyway.)
How are we supposed to talk if you’re ignoring me?
It’s almost like you think you exist for some reason other than my pleasure.
I’m entitled to a conversation with you
because that’s what I want.
Nevermind the fact that you’ve never even met me and
I’m just going to ask you for nudes.

Fine.
Don’t talk to me,
stupid bitch.
You’re fat anyway.
I was just being a nice guy.
I wouldn’t touch you with a 10-foot pole,
especially the one in my pants.
Here’s a picture of the erection I totally didn’t get from looking at your pictures.
You should be grateful to have my attention.

Thanks for wasting my time.
Where’s my refund?
Answer me, slut!

Hey.