On Pandemic Kindness: People in Relationships Are Not Better Than Single Ones

By Christine Sloan Stoddard

The scene: A large dinner party, two or three years ago. Mostly 20 and 30-somethings crowd the table over a decadent, very Instagrammable meal.
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Character: A loud white man in his early 30s.

Dialogue: “I just look at single people and say, “Haha, you’re single! I’m married!” ​

Needless to say, he was not my favorite person at the party. Do you really need any more context to know he’s obnoxious?

It really bothers me when coupled people act smug and PURPOSELY brag about not being single to single folks, even putting them down. If you have an ounce of heart, it probably bothers you, too.

It’s one thing to be happy in your relationship—I’m happily married!—and show it. Sometimes demonstrating our happiness may be construed as bragging, it’s true. (But acting naturally and not seeking out extra attention is hardly bragging.) It’s another thing to lack compassion and treat single folks like "losers." As if most single people haven't suffered rejection, heartbreak, and loneliness...particularly during a pandemic! Many single people have also chosen to be single. Some of the most interesting, dynamic, and, yes, attractive women in my life have chosen this path. I emphasize women here because Quail Bell is a feminist publication run by women, but also because women are more commonly asked to justify their singledom. Some of them withdraw from the dating game for a period of months; others for years or perhaps permanently. There are also plenty of single people who simply don’t care what you think. Probably most of them.

Because it’s none of your business. How other people choose to express themselves sexually and romantically with other consenting adults doesn’t concern anyone except for their partners. Now if you’re such a happily coupled person, shouldn’t you focus your attention on your actual relationship, rather than flexing for whatever social status that relationship already gives you?

The reality is that our society rewards people in relationships, especially those who are married. That’s one of the reasons why fighting for interracial marriage and same-sex marriage was so important. We don’t only celebrate marriage with a wedding; we observe it in countless ways: engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties, honeymoons. There are job promotions, tax breaks, unquestioned hospital visits. There’s the implied respect for one’s maturity, reliability, and very worth that is given to married people. They are married; therefore, they are wanted and someone of value.

I was recently reminded of my privileges as a happily married woman while reading “Olympia,” Marina Rubin’s short story, which we just published here in Quail Bell. It’s crucial that I mention the word “happily” because married women in toxic and abusive relationships often suffer in silence. (Even in 2020, the stigma of the “battered woman” persists.) Single women may suffer in silence, too, though not because they feel trapped in a harmful relationship. There are single women like Rubin's protagonist, Lily, who seek genuine connection and encounter the despair of waiting for it—or even any response.

With social distancing, I’m trying to be extra kind to my single friends, as much as I am able. Dating the pre-pandemic way is hardly an option. Living alone in quarantine requires Herculean mental and emotional strength. Those exclaiming, “Haha, you’re single! I’m married!” probably don’t wear face masks.