Rupert's Tales: Adventure Down Pagan Lane By Jade Miller QuailBellMagazine.com 
Rupert, the main bunny character in Rupert’s Tales: The Wheel of the Year, comes to life through Kyrja’s words and Tonia Osborn’s beautiful pastel illustrations. With a little help from his friends and the gods of the Pagan faith, Rupert learns the meanings behind the main Pagan rituals that occur with the seasons. With rhyming couplets that start out cute and end up seeming a little forced, this book is l-o-n-g. Even breaking it up into the smaller tales of Samhain, Yule, Imbolc or Ostara, it is still long enough to make you wonder if your child will be able to maintain interest. Perhaps this is a book best saved for the older child in your life who can sit still for longer than five minutes. Despite its flaws, Rupert’s Tales does seem a good and mildly entertaining way to introduce and explain the rituals in the Pagan religion. From Samhain to Ostara and everything in between, Rupert’s Tales covers all the bases. An Interview With Dr. Sev Sudo By Sean Marks QuailBellMagazine.com 
The man, the myth, the legend. Today, I set out to interview a pioneer of modern science, a man who now chairs one of the leading research labs on sexually transmitted diseases, and personally contributes to research and development for Daring International Contraceptives. You might know him: Dr. Sev Sudo. Sev Sudo has a Doctorate in Theoretical Physics, a Master’s in Engineering, and is a licensed sex therapist – that much everybody knows. But did you know that five years ago, he invented a device that uses a miniature Alcubierre drive to communicate with the past? That he is actively providing valuable sex advice in order to change the events in time that have led to our current – dare I say, monstrous – society? Where teen death rates from raging sex drives have skyrocketed, and random mutant rape is at an all-time high, even a minor success from Sev Sudo and his crack team of experts could save millions. The place: The Sudo Labs in DIC Towers. After speaking with his secretary, I was introduced to his team: Security expert Dan Tollins; laboratory assistant Stacy Hatrick; field assistant Mitchell Saunders; and technician Leven Teewun. Shortly after, Dr. Sev Sudo arrived, inexplicably covered in what looked like cottage cheese, and some blood. It was as good a time as ever to begin my interview. S.M.: It’s an honor to meet you, Dr. Sudo. Thank you for having this interview with me. Sev Sudo [S.S.]: Oh, certainly. Pardon my appearance, I had a situation in the lab I had to deal with. S.M.: Is that what the… uh… cottage cheese is? S.S.: Yes. Actually, it’s overgrown vaginal subsidate from a Yawner. [I went silent for a moment.] One of our interns broke a vial of Y.Coli bacterium, which, if you’ve ever broken a vial of Y.Coli, you’ll know it spreads fast, and then you’re a giant gaping genital orifice spewing bile and phlegm like some kind of bacterial suicide bomber. Well, I guess you wouldn’t really know what that’s like since you’d be dead. Don’t worry though, I was sprayed down with anti-gen after I killed the Yawner. S.M.:Do you normally have accidents in the lab? It seems as though, on a daily basis, you’re in the thick of danger – really, on the front lines of the war Humanity’s been fighting since the Singularity. S.S.: Well, I wouldn’t say that we have accidents often. I do find it darkly humorous that we have a “Accident-Free Since” counter that almost never hits the triple digits. I guess you could say there are more accidents than I would like, but fewer than you’d expect from a group of people who study some of the most dangerous diseases, parasites, and bacteria on the planet. You are right, though, about us fighting on the front lines. Not only is there the ever-present danger of a catastrophic lab accident – the Yawner very nearly could have killed us all, were I a moment too late – but as per our research, we are sometimes meant to go out into the field, and study live specimens in the wild. S.M.: Living in the post-Sexpocalypse, the government has reminded us every day to absolutely always stay inside the safe zone, because outside of the designated safe zones, all manner of dangerous creatures are prowling about. Your field team willingly goes out there! How do you guys prepare for that kind of risk? S.S.: Well, for one we have Dan, who you met earlier. He’s been with us for just over a year now, and he is truly the best Security Expert we’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. I should note, his predecessor, unfortunately, gave in to the temptation of sex with two female employees, and we found them Merged in our maintenance shed, where it broke free and caused quite a ruckus in its escape. Almost by providence, on Dan’s first day working here, he was the man who pulled the trigger that put down that monstrosity. We don’t hold any animosity towards our fallen Security Expert, but the event is a testament to Dan’s ability to take charge. When we’re out in the field, he keeps us covered. And our field assistant, Mitchell, lest I forget, has a tremendous amount of medical expertise. He’s not only a specialist in Hazardous Genderbiology, he can also make a field dressing and apply antidotes and vaccines under some serious pressure. So to say the least, with Dan and Mitchell on my side, I’m rarely worried. S.M.: You said rarely. Is there something really dangerous out there, maybe? Something your team might not be capable of dealing with? S.S.: Well… there is one thing, though it’s quite rare. Have you ever heard of the Matriarch? S.M.: No. What’s the Matriarch? S.S.: Well, we have little proof of her existence at the time, other than a few tales and blurry photos. In fact, she’s the Bigfoot of our time, really. S.M.: But Bigfoot was real. S.S.: And I assure you, so is the Matriarch. It’s just a theory I have, but I believe there to be a Patient Zero out there, not just some string of coincidences that brought us the Singularity, but an actual human being, so oozingly sexual, impervious to disease and, most importantly, a carrier. I believe the Matriarch is the Singularity. As a theoretical physicist, I’m used to searching for answers, tiny variables that would solve the big equations, and when that sort of thinking is applied to the mystery of the Singularity… well, the Matriarch answers a lot of questions, to be honest. Well, you haven’t heard of her, but the stories have been going around here and there. Whenever a field party goes out a little too far into the Muck, and comes back monstrous and mutated, rather than killed, she’s whispered amongst the living. A few cameras retrieved – all our field parties bring cameras – and almost all of them document a woman, nude and disheveled but for an elegant robe and stilettos. Sometimes the cameras black out before anything can be surmised. There are other times, though, where upon seeing this woman, there will be trusted, respectable individuals – mild-mannered career scientists - becoming wildly affected, enraged with desire, and turn on their fellow team members. The woman is never clearly seen, of course – just the silhouette of her clothing and shoes and, to cite the source of her name, a crown. S.M.: And so you don’t believe you would be able to deal with her, if you encountered her in the field? S.S.: I believe that, if she is who I think she is, we would either be shortly killed or return home to kill our friends and family. That is the level of danger I have addressed to her. Of course, she could still be a myth or there could be a logical explanation for the evidence we have, but… S.M.: I suppose, on that note, we should conclude this interview. Thank you for having me here, Dr. Sudo. S.S.: It’s been my pleasure! Have a safe flight. ---- [Editor’s Note: During transit back to the Quail Bell Headquarters, Sean Marks’ flight mysteriously vanished during a particularly violent storm over the American Ocean. We have not heard back from him yet, though we did receive a message, carbon-dated over ten-thousand years ago: “THE MATRIARCH IS BORN.”] TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK. Doe Deere Loves Lumete 
Lumete's new eyewear collection is delectably witchy. My favorite pair is Templanza Peacock, an oversized butterfly with pointy arms and mystical texture. It immediately inspired me to do this magical photoshoot… 
Browse the rest of the collection here. And check our my other Lumete post featuring Dramolete frames and mint-green lipstick! The Kilin By Julie DiNisio QuailBellMagazine.com 
The Western unicorn has become standard fare in Western culture, immortalized by Lisa Frank and Charlie the Unicorn, a creature that twelve-year old girls and Quail Bell(e)s futilely wish into existence. Yet the Eastern variety is quite different. The Chinese folkloric version is called the Kilin (pronounced chee-lin) and is usually depicted as having a deer's body, ox's tail, horse's hooves, and a short horn on its forehead. It's hair is a variety of symbolic Chinese colors, white, black, yellow, red, and blue. Kilins exist in the annals of Chinese history as good omens. They can allegedly foretell the birth of important men, supposedly evidenced by an auspicious meeting between Confucius' mother and a kilin when she was pregnant with the great philosopher. Kilins are respectful of life, never hurting any living thing and eating only dead plants. Not surprisingly, they are believed to spring up from the earth and live for one thousand years. So if you're not having any luck finding a unicorn in your area, consider China. The Countess on Sex Noises By The Countess of Bathory QuailBellMagazine.com 
Countess Elizabeth Bathory might be known throughout history as Blood Countess, but she is also hailed as a cosmetics prodigy well before her time. Taking a break from torturing young women for her skincare treatments, she decided one day on a whim to have a conversation with a young Grecian maidservant, who imparted upon her the ancient fortune-telling practice of hiera – or the reading of goat blood. As she was all out of young female goats, she slit the maidservant’s throat instead. This alteration of the ritual opened a window into the future, and questions on the subject of sexcraft appeared before her… Queefing Sometimes, when I’m having sex, my vagina makes this noise that sounds like a fart. What is that? How can I keep it from happening? -Shelly Magnificent! I’ve only heard tales whispered in the shadows of the most secretive cabals, of highest royalty. You, my dear Shelly, have been blessed with The Voice. I should mention where the first tales of The Voice emerged. You see, from time to time, my faithful servants will bring to me all manner of outcasts, men and women and children. One day, a strange man, emaciated from his own anxieties, weaved a tale of gods amongst the stars, shapeless and tentacled and indescribable, who plucked him from his place in the future, dragging him through the pinholes of time, where he stumbled into my care by happenstance. These gods spoke in non-tongues, he said, and chanted words unpronounceable by mere mortals, weighted with dark magiks and concentrated insanity. Shelly, that sound, that pungent, inhuman utterance from your cavity is a blessing, a means through which we can communicate with our dark celestial gods, who look upon us with their many-limbed maws. Embrace this gift, this talent of communication, for you are the window to the eldritch gods, and will beckon their culling upon humanity. River LightBy Christine Stoddard QuailBellMagazine.com Click here to check out our previous feature on Richmond, Virginia's Rice House. Loving the Hazards of Love By Julie DiNisio QuailBellMagazine.com 
All right, so the Hazards of Love is an album that has been out since 2009. I know that. But I've just rediscovered it and have remembered how much I enjoy it. And how fitting it is for a Quail Bell(e). The Decemberists' fifth effort is a grandiose concept album, a twisted fairy tale in which the vocalists play characters. Becky Stark of Lavender Diamond sings the part of Margaret who falls in love with shapeshifter William, the Decemberists' lead singer Colin Meloy. William's jealous and vindictive adopted mother, a fairy queen, is voiced by Shara Worden of My Brightest Diamond. She and the Rake, who murdered his three children, add conflict to what would be a simple love story between Margaret and William. The basic plot alone sounds like the making of a Grimm's fairy tale. The Hazards of Love presents a more ambitious, intense sound than the Decemberists' usual folksy fare. Shara Worden is a particularly strong example of this with her powerful, emotion-wrought vocals, notably in “The Queen's Rebuke/The Crossing” and (my personal favorite) “The Wanting Comes in Waves/Repaid.” Worden embodies the Queen and owns her angry reaction to William and Margaret's love. And listening to “The Wanting Comes in Waves (Reprise)” is a transcendent (I'm not exaggerating) experience. It never fails to give me goosebumps, the sign of a not just good but truly great song. In essence, the Hazards of Love provides a rich musical experience. It's combines the pleasure of reading a book or hearing a story and listening to music. And that should be enough to satisfy any Quail Bell(e). Happy 90th, dear Richmond Poe Museum!By Quail Cam QuailBellMagazine.com | The Real
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